I haven’t posted on here in such a long time.  But there has been so much change happening within the last two years.  I have changed so much.  Things in my life are finally starting to change and head in the direction that I want to be going.  Much of the last two years has been more internal progression and much less outwardly visible progression.  BUT! I am finally starting to see outward expressions of the change happening within.  I have started going to therapy again.  And the therapist I am working with is such an amazing fit.  I’ve seen her twice but already she understands me and what my needs are and she is more than capable of helping me continue to grow and progress and change in all the ways i want to.

I had a real epiphany last week.  I am done.  I’m done hurting and allowing myself to stay stuck there just because it’s familiar.  I’m done being angry.  The people that stole so much from me have no power over me anymore.  And I’m done carrying that anger inside of me.  It’s doing nothing but hold me back.  And I MUST continue forward.  So I’m laying down that anger and I’m laying down the hurt.  And I’m leaving them both behind.  It’s my year and I’m taking back what was stolen from me.

I’ve had some really painful conversations.  I’ve faced a ton of really, really painful shit.  I’ve acknowledged and admitted the traumas and the reasons I am who I am today.  Now I’m working towards rewiring things in my brain so that they no longer hold me back.  It’s my time.  The only person who can make me happy or who can give me the things I want out of life is me.  I will gladly accept help and encouragement and reassurance.  In fact I need those.  But ultimately it’s up to me whether I have a contented and fulfilled life.  And it’s going to happen on MY terms.  Even in spite of the things that were taken from me I can still have everything I’ve ever wanted.  It means I’ll have to work that much harder for them and they certainly won’t come easy.  But they just might end up being even more rewarding because of the hardships to get there.

I also finally have very clear steps laid out before me.  I know where I am.  I know where I’m headed.  I now know how to get there.  Some of the steps forward have finally been made clear to me.  I can do it.  I can be a phlebotomist.  And I can do it well.  I can finish out this study guide and the national certification.  I can get hired as a phlebotomist.  And I can excel.  I am so scared I can’t fully express it in words.  Forward is entirely unknown territory.  I don’t know what’s out ahead of me.  But I am charging headfirst into the unknown because that is the way for me to go.  I am done being stuck in what’s familiar simply because it’s what I know.  I’m miserable.  And I’m done.

I recognize that me saying I’m done hurting doesn’t mean it will magically go away or that it won’t rear its ugly head every now and then.  I know I will always struggle.  But I’m done letting it dictate how I exist.  I’m ready to do more than simply survive.  I’m ready to thrive.  And I am going to.

I want you all to know that I am so incredibly grateful for your support and unconditional love over the years.  Your encouragement has always been so meaningful to me.  I hope you all know that I love you and I am thankful for you.

I am ready to soar!  I will learn to fly on these broken wings.  So keep an eye out because big things are on the horizon!  This is my year.  I am reclaiming what’s mine.

 

 

 

 

…you go and prove me right!  And the “you” I’m talking to (about) here is me..  I don’t understand why I keep reaching out to people, hoping against hope, that they’ll not only respond but will respond positively and something good for both of us will come out of it..  But every fucking time I am proven to be an idiot and I learn YET AGAIN just how little I mean to people and how insignificant I am in this vastly huge world..  I believed the lie that I could make a difference and that people would care about me or would want to hear what I had to say..  Nobody gives a shit about me or how we could relate to one another..  With my clearer head I’ve become less vocal, in some regards..  I’m more outspoken in others, but in the ways that matter, I keep things to myself and nobody asks, so nobody knows..  Though I suppose I’m just as guilty as everyone else because I don’t pry into their lives to ask about how they’re doing..  My reasoning for it, though, is because I know I’d either get no response or a response so vague that it wouldn’t even be worth my having asked in the first place..  So, that’s my excuse..

I just feel so small and so unimportant..  I know my family loves me and cares about me and I know my parents carry guilt about things relating to me and how my life turned out, even though it’s no one’s fault but my own, and I know I’d be missed if I we’re gone, for a time anyways, but I don’t feel like the impact I have on people is very big or very lasting..

God, I’m such a fuck-up!  My life is such a disappointment..  When my psychiatric health care professional tells me that I’m her rock star patient I cirnge so fucking hard on the inside because I don’t deserve to be praised for anything I’ve done and it makes me so uncomfortable..  I survived, barely, and that was all that I did..  That’s what some people do every day of their lives, especially those who deal with mental health issues..  I did not one single thing that’s commendable and I hate having her talk to me or about me like that..  I don’t deserve it and I shouldn’t be held up to any sort of ideal, nor should my actions..  I’m a grade-A fuck-up and failure and my life is in shambles..  It was over before it even began..  I haven’t done so many of the normal things people do, the rites-of-passage that people experience as part of their normal/ regular living and existing..

I do sometimes wonder if I still might suffer from mild depression..  But I think I’m just overwhelmed with being so far behind, not knowing how to even begin catching up, and feeling like I’m not getting any helpful advice about how to progress or where to go from here..  I’m also frustrated that I won’t be able to catch up at all..  At least not in the areas that matter to me..  I can’t go back and undo or unmake the choices I wish I hadn’t made.. My life and my body are forever changed because of my stupid choices..  I’m just so fucking angry sometimes..  I don’t know how to deal with not having anybody to talk to and with not having anyone to spend time with and with hating just about every aspect of my life..  I don’t want to be dead, but I don’t want my life to be like this either and I am so fucking angry that it is and so fucking frustrated that I don’t know how to just be happy with it or how to fix it..

I hate myself so much and I hate everything about my life..  I’m so fucking lonely and I can’t even tell anyone!

 

 

So, this is something I’ve realized over and over again because I (must) keep forgetting it..  And honestly it’s a very painful realization/ lesson to learn..  And that is : you cannot, no matter how hard you try or how much you might want to, make someone care about you or take an interest in you or start caring about you again like they once did..  If they don’t (or don’t anymore) then you just have to accept that they’re more than happy to live their lives with a you-sized hole in it and the absence (or lack-thereof) that you left behind is more than fine with them.. They don’t need you anymore and so you need to stop needing them..  They grew past you, so why can’t you also just grow past them?!

Okay, epiphany moment there..  As much as it does hurt, and it hurts a LOT, to no longer have these people in my lives, part of my issue is probably just the fact that I still feel very much stuck in the life of a 20 year old when I’m way older than that and the fact that I should have progressed WAY past that in my life accomplishments (of which I have none) and the general life stages, of which I’m still very much stuck in the twenty-something loafing around on the couch phase..  It’s just incredibly frustrating because the things I want to do SO badly it hurts are huge, ginormous, humongous things that require massive steps..  And I need to be able to make tiny, little baby steps..  I suppose I can’t fail much more at life than I already am, but if I try (anything) and fail I’m honestly afraid it’ll send me into a downward spiral that I’ll never recover from..  And the thought of disappointing people, especially after their hope in me and their hope for a fulfilling life for me has been restored ten-fold, scares the shit out of me..  That’s a huge burden..

I sometimes still feel like, even though my life isn’t nearly the abyssal dark pit of Hell it used to be that it still often looks pretty glum..  I still feel like I can’t verbalize or externalize what I’m feeling or simply just trying to express in a way that people seem to readily understand and so I almost always feel misunderstood and RARELY feel seen or heard..  And I definitely still feel too unimportant to “demand” or even request that people take the time or make the effort to actually try to talk to me and try to SEE me and HEAR me..  It reminds me of a song by Evanescence with the lyrics – “I can hear you in a whisper but you can’t even hear me screaming.”  I often feel that way..  I hear a cacophony of voices and emotions around me that I cannot turn down, but no one hears me..

I know everyone has their own issues to deal with, which is why I don’t force my own upon them or ask them if I can talk to them..  And pretty much everybody checks out when I try to engage or talk to them, so I just try to constantly remind myself to not bother anyone..

Bottling shit up is definitely not a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s one of the major ones I was taught, so I use it..  And also, when everyone is too in their own heads and thoughts to even notice there’s stuff going on with you, why does it matter what coping mechanism I use and if it’s a healthy one or not?  The one I WANT to use and would much prefer using isn’t a one person endeavor, so it’s impossible to do alone..  And I’m not about to add my own shit to anyone’s plate, so I’ll just have to continue bottling everything up like I always do..

 

 

 

“Can beauty come out of ashes?”

I’ve been reading over all of my previous blog posts and it’s been very difficult, reliving some of the anguish and turmoil I was feeling when I wrote them.. But as I sit here, listening to “Ashes” by Celine Dion from Deadpool 2, and really take in some of the lyrics –

“What’s left to say?
These prayers ain’t working anymore
Every word shot down in flames
What’s left to do with these broken pieces on the floor?
I’m losing my voice calling on you

‘Cause I’ve been shaking
I’ve been bending backwards till I’m broke
Watching all these dreams go up in smoke”

– it’s hitting me just how differently I feel now than I used to.. And that’s a good thing!! I don’t feel that despair or loneliness.. Yes, there’s still SO much self-doubt inside of me, but it’s getting better bit by bit.. For so long I didn’t understand why I was suffering the way I was, why I felt the way I did, why the medications wouldn’t work.. And, in retrospect, it makes perfect sense! The medications were causing the symptoms, that’s why I didn’t get better/ couldn’t get better! It didn’t matter how much I wanted to feel better, to be better, it just wasn’t happening.. The meds made me think, feel, say, and do things that were completely contradictory to me as a person and that caused so much inner conflict that I struggled to deal with it, because I just didn’t know how.. I didn’t understand why there wasn’t any treatment that helped long-term, some didn’t help at all.. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out what was going on.. But hindsight is 20/20 and there’s nothing I can do about it now, just cope with the damage that’s been done and try to salvage something that looks sort of like a life..

I look back to the part of my journey where I decided to stop the psychiatric medications and then to stop additional medications, granted that I didn’t need them anymore, and I’m still amazed that I was able to actually do it.. The withdrawal periods were some of the hardest things I’ve been through physically.. I think my resolve to get off of them helped me endure it emotionally, and also having the support of those who care about me was a tremendous help.. But the motivation came from somewhere deep within that I didn’t know still existed, it had been muted by meds so long ago.. The only feelings I had known were pain and doubt.. Now I experience such a different range of emotions and I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have for that! My day-to-day life isn’t much different in the functions, but my mood and state of mind have changed so drastically that I’m still waiting for the floor to drop out from under me sometimes.. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to rise, like a phoenix, from the ashes that is my life.. I don’t fear tomorrow like I used to, I’m not afraid to walk out of my bedroom door.. I don’t have a plan for my life, I still wonder what I’m capable of, but I do hope to one day be able to accomplish something significant, something more than surviving.. I hope that I’ll be able to thrive and live up to my full potential..

Today was Thanksgiving and I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it..  For the first time in years I was able to experience the pleasure of spending time with my family without being plagued by crippling anxiety and panic attacks..  After lunch we sat on the steps of our front porch to take a family photo and I could not stop laughing, as much as I tried..

 

I am currently having ups and downs still from going completely psychiatric drug free over the summer, as well as being in the process of weaning off of the medication I take for fibromyalgia, so my emotions can tend to be a little unpredictable at times, but most of the time I am actually enjoying life!  I laugh so much and so hard anymore..  I find myself getting irritable, but I’m attributing that to the medication withdrawal I’m going through right now and I’m dealing with it the best I know how..  But for the most part I can be around people again, and I WANT to be around people again!  I still need some alone time, but I don’t hide in my room as much as I used to, I don’t need to anymore..

 

There seems to be at least one moment every day or every other day where I think about how much all those psychiatric medications changed me and altered my personality..  Some of the changes that have taken place within me lately are a direct result of some of the horrible things I’ve experienced over these last 14 years, but others are because I’ve realized just how skewed my thinking had become because of all those drugs..  They are literally mind-altering, and not for the better in my case..  They change brain chemistry in such a way that can be detrimental..  I try not to fault the doctors who treated me over the years, because I’d like to think they were all doing for me what they thought was the best (for me), but I’ve grown so cynical towards the medical community as a whole that it’s difficult for me to think that most were doing anything other than just what was easiest for them..  But I digress!  I think back to certain things that I struggled with or had pervasive thoughts about while I was on all those medications and I know that I only had issues with them because of the meds..  I believe it’s a good thing I got out from under the haze of those drugs when I did..  My biggest regret is having ever started taking them in the first place, but we can’t go backwards in time, we can only move forward!  And I am trying so hard to “get over it” and cope with having lost 14 years of my life, and my health, that I will never get back..  It’s hard for me to not be at least a little bitter towards the doctor who initially got me started down this path, but he didn’t have any more foresight into what would come than I did, so I can’t blame him anymore for the pile of shit that is my life.. But again, I digress..

 

I want to end this post by expressing how thankful I am for my family and for life..  There were times when I didn’t know if I’d wake up the next day, but I did and I am so glad that I did..  And I am so glad that I can enjoy life!  Yes, there are aspects of life that suck and things are hard and maybe it’s because my life has been a black hole for so long – every good thing sucked down into it and destroyed, all the light blotted out by the pervasive darkness that filled my heart – that now I can understand that not all things are so bad and that not all days are going to be filled with endless sorrow..  I appreciate what I have, I appreciate what I don’t have (illness-wise), and I am so grateful for a family that loves me even though I am inherently unloveable..  I love you all so much and I thank God for you!  I hope you know how much you mean to me, even though I don’t always show it or say it..

 

 

 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life and about who I am, who I’d like to be..  I wish that I could say that I was married or had already found someone to share my life with, but with half of my life over already I find myself still very much alone..  I spend a good 21-22 (or more) hours every single day alone, unless you count the company of my cats..  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love some alone time; in fact, I need alone time to unwind and process all of my thoughts and everything going on around me, but I also very much crave deep conversation and meaningful time spent in the company of people I feel I can connect with..  But admittedly that number is frighteningly small..  I don’t connect with people very easily..  I just feel different somehow..  I don’t know how exactly to put it into words, but I know that I bite my tongue 90% of the time and I feel like I can’t speak my mind or say what I’m really feeling..  In the past when I’ve opened up and bared my soul I’ve been looked at strangely because I was misunderstood and no one could relate to me..  So I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep my mouth shut and not say what I’d really like to say..

 

Here’re some truths about me : my mind is pretty much always in the gutter; I’m pessimistic and I’m overly sensitive; I’m super/ hyper self-conscious and I’ve got a record low self-esteem; in my mind I say worse things about myself than I would ever say to anyone else, even to an “enemy;” I don’t think very highly of the human race as a whole, maybe that’s my personal experiences talking, maybe not; I don’t place any value upon or within myself..

 

These are things I WISH were true about me : I exude light and truth and, in spite of all my flaws and failures, people can sense goodness in me and gravitate towards it; I’ve got redeemable qualities that would make time spent with me worth it for individuals involved; I am talented; and I am loveable..

 

I’ve been through some exceedingly hard shit in my life and I have known some deep and indescribable sadness and despair and more times than I wish were true I have wanted to die, but out of an obligation or sense of duty to others over self-interest I never followed through with any suicidal plans or ideations, and there were many..  I have always chosen what’s best for other people over what’s best for myself; that is always foremost in my mind, my thoughts..  I never choose a path based on what I think would be best for me when it involves others besides myself..  I am fundamentally an unselfish person, I have never been focused on self or was self-interested..  It’s just not in my nature..  I cannot, and will not, choose what’s best for me if I think it in any way negatively impacts someone else or makes their life harder or even so much as makes them uncomfortable..  I’m not tooting my own horn here or trying to imply I’m somehow better than anyone else because, believe me, being this way is not good!  It’s one thing to be humble and interested in others above self, it’s an entirely different thing to consider everyone else before yourself to your own detriment..  I fall into the latter category..  What I do and the way I am is not healthy..  I don’t speak up for myself when I should, I’m not myself when I feel the most like I want to be, I am constantly guarding my heart and protecting myself from the world..  But in doing that I am also shielding myself from experiencing some of the basic human experiences like friendship and love and maybe even finding my place out in the world..

 

I don’t know how, or if it’s even possible, but I’ve got to somehow find a way to feel and believe in my own self-worth, then maybe I can contemplate trying to accomplish something in my life..

 

 

 

As I sit here, listening to music and typing out my thoughts, I can’t help but wonder how much my life will still improve?  Most days it gets better, but some days are stagnant..  Things have progressed so much over the last several months and my overall health has gotten so much better..  I have MUCH to be thankful for, and I am..  But there are still things that I want or would like to do that I wonder if they’ll ever come to pass?

 

I have lived in such a state of dormancy that it’s proven difficult for me to muster up the motivation to get myself out of it..  I’m so used to doing, or rather not doing, things on a daily basis that I struggle to make myself do the things I know I need to do..  I am still very much in the fight and I have the passion and desire to live and breathe and exist and matter..  I just need to find the physical strength to actually make things happen..

 

With each day that passes I have much more clarity and acuity of mind, but I still have some troubles with memory..  I still have lost huge chunks of my life – most of my childhood is just gone, teen years are gone, early twenties just gone..  I don’t know if they’ll ever return to me; I doubt they will, and I guess that’s okay..  I’ve learned to accept some things in my life, things I might not really be okay with, but things that I can’t change and so might as well just “get over”..

 

Changing gears a bit : I find myself receiving little “messages,” if you will, occasionally..  Little reminders to not give up, to keep pushing forward, and to always strive to make my life better..  I have many people that care about me and I have some people that even love me, as miraculous as that is!  I am so very blessed and I can’t even grasp how I’m still here today, but I am so very glad I am!  Thank you for praying for me, thank you for caring about me, and thank you if you happen to be one of those few who love me, I don’t know how or why you do, but it means the world to me!

 

I don’t often feel like I receive answers to prayers or requests, but lately I’ve been bombarded with messages that can only be in direct response to my sufferings and my longings and my pleas for answers..

 

I struggle every moment of every day to feel like I matter, to feel like I’m more than an invisible speck on this Earth..  I want so much to feel acceptance and understanding, for people to actually care and to be interested in me and what’s going on in my life..  But I’ve been seeing and hearing messages about learning to take negative experiences and learning from them/ growing from them, about finding peace and acceptance within yourself/ loving yourself, about putting aside your insecurities and finding confidence within yourself..  These are all things I desperately needed to hear..  I guess I haven’t been holding myself accountable and I am sorry for that..  I’ve been so focused on seeking love and acceptance and attention from others that I haven’t given any thought to learning how to be okay with myself – mind, body, spirit..  I don’t know how to even start loving myself, all I can remember is the hateful, debasing self-talk that has always invaded my thoughts..  But I am going to do everything I can to start the process of proper healing..  I don’t deserve to have anyone’s love, attention, or affection anyways, but especially if I don’t even love and respect myself..

 

This past week and a half have been so incredibly hard; I’ve been going through Zoloft withdrawal and it has been absolutely hell..  I’ve been in more physical pain that I can remember experiencing in a long time, I’ve been more emotionally unstable than I can remember being in a while, and I was at a place this morning where I had thoughts of wanting to cut again..  It’s been a while since I’ve struggled with thoughts of cutting and I do not like being there..  I’ve had moments where I’ve been so incredibly angry that I could barely control myself and there have been times when I could not, for the life of me, stop the tears from flowing..  I am BEGGING God to help me get through this..  This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through..  There is so much I wish I could do, but I keep hearing thoughts in my head telling me to be patient..  I just want this whole ordeal to be over with..  People say, all the damn time, it seems, that things in life happen for a reason..  I don’t really believe that, but I do believe that we are responsible for how we respond and react to what happens in our lives..  We are responsible for how we let our circumstances shape us..  I’d really like to be the type of person who can say that they grew and advanced from their experiences..

 

Of course I wish my life had turned out differently and of course I wish that circumstances were different, but they aren’t and all I can ask for now is the strength and continued guidance to grow and persevere through whatever shitty thing Life decides to throw my way next..

 

 

So I’ve been thinking : when is it time to just stop trying?  When should I stop reaching out to people?  It’s not that I simply feel ignored, I literally am ignored..  I go unnoticed, despite repeatedly reaching out and attempting to make connections..  So, I ask myself : should I altogether give up on trying to make connections with people?  Is it ever actually going to pay off?  I like to think of myself as a kind and relatable person, but maybe I’m just completely wrong about what kind of person I am and the vibe I give off to people..  Perhaps I come across as cold or disinterested..  I want so much to just connect with people, have conversations with them, build meaningful relationships with them..  But I seem to be rather off-putting in some way, because people just don’t care..

 

With each new day that passes I feel that I learn something new, and it’s not always a pleasant lesson..  But I still embrace them, because if I stop learning then I stop growing and I want to always be improving myself, making myself a better person..  I don’t understand what it is about myself that people find unappealing, but I continue to work on evolving and doing what I can to grow..  I know I fall short of my own expectations for myself and that I don’t live up to what I believe I should be, but I try to reconcile what I am with what I wish I was..

 

I am at the starting point in life, having missed out on so many opportunities that people my age would normally experience..  I struggle with wanting to be so much farther along than I am..  I feel like I’m nothing, I have nothing, I’ve done nothing..  But I have been through so much..  I have been to such dark places in my life that I very seriously contemplated death and I have, many times, wanted to just die, no longer wanting to live..  I have suffered so much..  And for what?!  What has come of it?  What have I gained?  I have missed out on so much..  I’d very much like to be hopeful for the future, that I might finally experience some of the things I’ve missed out on, but with each passing day, as my mind recovers and I regain some mental clarity, I struggle because my body is still tired and it hurts, it’s achy, and I still sleep a lot..  I expected that I would start to have some energy again, but that hasn’t proven to be the case..  I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do to help my body recover, too..

 

So I still question why should I bother trying to even connect with people anymore?  They’re predictable going to ignore me..  I can’t make people care about me..  I can’t force people to take an interest in me..  I obviously lack something that makes people want to know more about me and want to connect with me..  It’s beyond me what that is; if I knew, I’d change it..

 

I’m growing in my relationship with our Creator, but I still struggle to understand my purpose, if I even have one..  There are so many things I want and pray for in life, but it’s sometimes hard to have faith and hope that I’ll one day receive them..  If I knew a better way to go about getting what I want, I’d do it, but I’m rather ignorant that way..  I don’t understand why my life is the way it is..  I’ve stopped blaming people for it, it does nothing for me to dwell on who might’ve contributed in what way..  I’ve stopped asking why, I’m not sure I’ll ever get an answer, if there even is one!  I just try to roll with the punches and deal with things as they are.. My memory will probably never be restored, there’s been some irreparable damage done to my body by all those heavy-duty prescription drugs I was on for so long, and the emotional trauma of it all has definitely taken its toll, but overall I feel like I’m adjusting pretty well, considering..  I do feel fortunate that things are not worse..  I am thankful for the things, and people, I have in my life..  My life and circumstances could certainly be much, much worse, I acknowledge that..  That doesn’t detract from how difficult the last 13 years have been for me..

 

I apologize for the things I have said or done to the people in my life that have been hurtful..  I could say that for a long time there I didn’t have control over myself, because of the medications, but I do take responsibility for myself and my actions and anything I’ve done to hurt someone..  I wish that some relationships could be repaired, but it takes interest from both parties, and that just doesn’t exist..

 

Have you ever had a friendship/ relationship with someone that you thought would never change?  That you thought was strong enough to last a lifetime?  Yeah, me, too..  Turns out, it wasn’t..  I’ve attempted to reach out and repair that broken connection, but I was summarily ignored and flat-out mislead..  They said they cared and had an interest in rekindling that friendship, but obviously they didn’t care to make time for me in their ever-so-busy life..  I didn’t make the cut, I just wasn’t important enough..  Yeah, that hurts just a little, especially given how close we used to be..  I once thought that bond could never be broken; but I guess all things can eventually change..

 

So I try to move forward, attempting to forge new bonds, but that hasn’t exactly worked out either..  I’ve tried bolstering bonds already established, but that’s not really happening much either..  There’s just something about me, I guess..  People can, evidently, take me or leave me – usually the latter..  I’m not sure people even take notice of me; I guess that’s why I’m just as happy staying in my room alone most of the time..  I realize people have things going on in their lives and I’m not expecting them to drop everything and put their focus solely on me, but in all honesty, it would be nice to be the center of attention sometimes, for people to take a genuine interest in me and to listen to what I have to say..  But I don’t expect that and I don’t even ask for that from anyone, because I know that everyone around me already has so much going on that it’d be brutally unfair to ask such a thing of them.. I guess that’s why I attempted to make new connections with new people, but as I’ve already said, that’s going nowhere..  Peoole just don’t care and I don’t know what I can do to make people take an interest in me..  How do I convey to people that I’m worth their time, that they would be getting something out of a friendship with me? Then I have to question myself..  Would they indeed be getting something out of a relationship with me?  Would they have something to gain?  Or am I one of those who’s all take take take?

 

I’m physically cold right now and I’m exhausted..  I’m weary of fighting to grow past being angry about how shitty my life is..  I’ve stopped questioning why; it gets me nowhere..  Oh, I have cried so many tears, how could my body not be a completely shriveled up shell of a human being by now?!  My soul just aches so much..  If I had the remedy or an elixir that would fix whatever is wrong with me as a person, I would take it right now; but evidently I’m destined to learn how to fix myself the long and hard way..

 

I truly doubt whether I’ll ever really connect with anyone (i.e. a guy), being truly understood and accepted with all my many faults, and loved unconditionally no matter what..  For now I’ve given up even trying to make an initial connection..  And I’ll stop reaching out to people, because it’s evident no one cares about me..  People must already have everything in their lives that they need/ want and they don’t have room for me..

 

 

So, it’s been maybe a month and a half since I started the detox?  I’m not sure..  It’s been very rough!  At first the toughest part was the physical symptoms I was experiencing, but after the first three weeks those started to subside and the mental symptoms started kicking in..  I’ve experienced just about every emotion under the sun, but the most prominent has been frustration and loss..  I’ve been grieving everything that I lost during the years I was a slave to those medications..  I have thought about all the possibilities that might have passed me by, all of the life experiences I have missed out on because I was in the throes of drug-induced mental illness..  I literally have no anxiety anymore, the depression I experience is due to the sadness over what I’ve lost/ what could’ve been..  I still am cranky sometimes, but it’s mostly because I still don’t feel 100% yet.. My body aches and hurts all the time..  I’m tired almost all the time..  But I’m finding myself able to spend more time with family again, which I do very much enjoy..  I know I still have a very long way to go before I can say I’ve reached some sort of “normal”, but I’m working hard to get myself there mentally and emotionally..  It may not seem like it to outsiders, but I really am trying hard..  My body still has a long way to go before it reaches a balance within itself, but I’m hoping to get there soon..

 

I’ve actually become a bit hopeful for the future..  I like to think that someday I might meet someone that I could share my life with..  I’d love to find a guy to marry; that would make me so incredibly happy..  But I realize I’ve got to work on myself quite a bit in the meantime..

 

I don’t know what will become of me, if I’ll ever amount to anything, or if I’ll ever accomplish my dream, but I’d like to at least try to do something worthwhile with my life, to be more than a taker..  I’d like to be able to contribute something in life..  Hopefully one day I’ll get there..

 

In closing I’d like to say a huge thanks to those of you who have offered your encouragement and love and for those who have prayed for me..  I appreciate it all more than I can put into words; it truly means a lot to me..  Thank you for caring about me..