So, this is something I’ve realized over and over again because I (must) keep forgetting it.. And honestly it’s a very painful realization/ lesson to learn.. And that is : you cannot, no matter how hard you try or how much you might want to, make someone care about you or take an interest in you or start caring about you again like they once did.. If they don’t (or don’t anymore) then you just have to accept that they’re more than happy to live their lives with a you-sized hole in it and the absence (or lack-thereof) that you left behind is more than fine with them.. They don’t need you anymore and so you need to stop needing them.. They grew past you, so why can’t you also just grow past them?!
Okay, epiphany moment there.. As much as it does hurt, and it hurts a LOT, to no longer have these people in my lives, part of my issue is probably just the fact that I still feel very much stuck in the life of a 20 year old when I’m way older than that and the fact that I should have progressed WAY past that in my life accomplishments (of which I have none) and the general life stages, of which I’m still very much stuck in the twenty-something loafing around on the couch phase.. It’s just incredibly frustrating because the things I want to do SO badly it hurts are huge, ginormous, humongous things that require massive steps.. And I need to be able to make tiny, little baby steps.. I suppose I can’t fail much more at life than I already am, but if I try (anything) and fail I’m honestly afraid it’ll send me into a downward spiral that I’ll never recover from.. And the thought of disappointing people, especially after their hope in me and their hope for a fulfilling life for me has been restored ten-fold, scares the shit out of me.. That’s a huge burden..
I sometimes still feel like, even though my life isn’t nearly the abyssal dark pit of Hell it used to be that it still often looks pretty glum.. I still feel like I can’t verbalize or externalize what I’m feeling or simply just trying to express in a way that people seem to readily understand and so I almost always feel misunderstood and RARELY feel seen or heard.. And I definitely still feel too unimportant to “demand” or even request that people take the time or make the effort to actually try to talk to me and try to SEE me and HEAR me.. It reminds me of a song by Evanescence with the lyrics – “I can hear you in a whisper but you can’t even hear me screaming.” I often feel that way.. I hear a cacophony of voices and emotions around me that I cannot turn down, but no one hears me..
I know everyone has their own issues to deal with, which is why I don’t force my own upon them or ask them if I can talk to them.. And pretty much everybody checks out when I try to engage or talk to them, so I just try to constantly remind myself to not bother anyone..
Bottling shit up is definitely not a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s one of the major ones I was taught, so I use it.. And also, when everyone is too in their own heads and thoughts to even notice there’s stuff going on with you, why does it matter what coping mechanism I use and if it’s a healthy one or not? The one I WANT to use and would much prefer using isn’t a one person endeavor, so it’s impossible to do alone.. And I’m not about to add my own shit to anyone’s plate, so I’ll just have to continue bottling everything up like I always do..