Today was Thanksgiving and I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it.. For the first time in years I was able to experience the pleasure of spending time with my family without being plagued by crippling anxiety and panic attacks.. After lunch we sat on the steps of our front porch to take a family photo and I could not stop laughing, as much as I tried..
I am currently having ups and downs still from going completely psychiatric drug free over the summer, as well as being in the process of weaning off of the medication I take for fibromyalgia, so my emotions can tend to be a little unpredictable at times, but most of the time I am actually enjoying life! I laugh so much and so hard anymore.. I find myself getting irritable, but I’m attributing that to the medication withdrawal I’m going through right now and I’m dealing with it the best I know how.. But for the most part I can be around people again, and I WANT to be around people again! I still need some alone time, but I don’t hide in my room as much as I used to, I don’t need to anymore..
There seems to be at least one moment every day or every other day where I think about how much all those psychiatric medications changed me and altered my personality.. Some of the changes that have taken place within me lately are a direct result of some of the horrible things I’ve experienced over these last 14 years, but others are because I’ve realized just how skewed my thinking had become because of all those drugs.. They are literally mind-altering, and not for the better in my case.. They change brain chemistry in such a way that can be detrimental.. I try not to fault the doctors who treated me over the years, because I’d like to think they were all doing for me what they thought was the best (for me), but I’ve grown so cynical towards the medical community as a whole that it’s difficult for me to think that most were doing anything other than just what was easiest for them.. But I digress! I think back to certain things that I struggled with or had pervasive thoughts about while I was on all those medications and I know that I only had issues with them because of the meds.. I believe it’s a good thing I got out from under the haze of those drugs when I did.. My biggest regret is having ever started taking them in the first place, but we can’t go backwards in time, we can only move forward! And I am trying so hard to “get over it” and cope with having lost 14 years of my life, and my health, that I will never get back.. It’s hard for me to not be at least a little bitter towards the doctor who initially got me started down this path, but he didn’t have any more foresight into what would come than I did, so I can’t blame him anymore for the pile of shit that is my life.. But again, I digress..
I want to end this post by expressing how thankful I am for my family and for life.. There were times when I didn’t know if I’d wake up the next day, but I did and I am so glad that I did.. And I am so glad that I can enjoy life! Yes, there are aspects of life that suck and things are hard and maybe it’s because my life has been a black hole for so long – every good thing sucked down into it and destroyed, all the light blotted out by the pervasive darkness that filled my heart – that now I can understand that not all things are so bad and that not all days are going to be filled with endless sorrow.. I appreciate what I have, I appreciate what I don’t have (illness-wise), and I am so grateful for a family that loves me even though I am inherently unloveable.. I love you all so much and I thank God for you! I hope you know how much you mean to me, even though I don’t always show it or say it..