My thoughts tonight..

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life and about who I am, who I’d like to be..  I wish that I could say that I was married or had already found someone to share my life with, but with half of my life over already I find myself still very much alone..  I spend a good 21-22 (or more) hours every single day alone, unless you count the company of my cats..  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love some alone time; in fact, I need alone time to unwind and process all of my thoughts and everything going on around me, but I also very much crave deep conversation and meaningful time spent in the company of people I feel I can connect with..  But admittedly that number is frighteningly small..  I don’t connect with people very easily..  I just feel different somehow..  I don’t know how exactly to put it into words, but I know that I bite my tongue 90% of the time and I feel like I can’t speak my mind or say what I’m really feeling..  In the past when I’ve opened up and bared my soul I’ve been looked at strangely because I was misunderstood and no one could relate to me..  So I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep my mouth shut and not say what I’d really like to say..


Here’re some truths about me : my mind is pretty much always in the gutter; I’m pessimistic and I’m overly sensitive; I’m super/ hyper self-conscious and I’ve got a record low self-esteem; in my mind I say worse things about myself than I would ever say to anyone else, even to an “enemy;” I don’t think very highly of the human race as a whole, maybe that’s my personal experiences talking, maybe not; I don’t place any value upon or within myself..


These are things I WISH were true about me : I exude light and truth and, in spite of all my flaws and failures, people can sense goodness in me and gravitate towards it; I’ve got redeemable qualities that would make time spent with me worth it for individuals involved; I am talented; and I am loveable..


I’ve been through some exceedingly hard shit in my life and I have known some deep and indescribable sadness and despair and more times than I wish were true I have wanted to die, but out of an obligation or sense of duty to others over self-interest I never followed through with any suicidal plans or ideations, and there were many..  I have always chosen what’s best for other people over what’s best for myself; that is always foremost in my mind, my thoughts..  I never choose a path based on what I think would be best for me when it involves others besides myself..  I am fundamentally an unselfish person, I have never been focused on self or was self-interested..  It’s just not in my nature..  I cannot, and will not, choose what’s best for me if I think it in any way negatively impacts someone else or makes their life harder or even so much as makes them uncomfortable..  I’m not tooting my own horn here or trying to imply I’m somehow better than anyone else because, believe me, being this way is not good!  It’s one thing to be humble and interested in others above self, it’s an entirely different thing to consider everyone else before yourself to your own detriment..  I fall into the latter category..  What I do and the way I am is not healthy..  I don’t speak up for myself when I should, I’m not myself when I feel the most like I want to be, I am constantly guarding my heart and protecting myself from the world..  But in doing that I am also shielding myself from experiencing some of the basic human experiences like friendship and love and maybe even finding my place out in the world..


I don’t know how, or if it’s even possible, but I’ve got to somehow find a way to feel and believe in my own self-worth, then maybe I can contemplate trying to accomplish something in my life..




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