well, I knew it wasn’t going to work out.. I knew I had my hopes up for nothing.. but, on some level, it didn’t surprise me.. it definitely disappointed me, but it didn’t surprise me.. I’m constantly at odds with my mental illness and it’s been getting the better of me lately.. I feel defeated sometimes; I often don’t know why I even try to do anything
beyond survive.. I still have quite a bit to work through and it’s an uphill battle all the time.. I’m tired, just so very tired.. I try to think positively and to make myself feel better, but it doesn’t work that way.. nothing comes easy….
posted from Sara’s phone
It’s been a little while since I last posted and I felt I needed to get a couple things off my chest.. I have been looking into and beginning the process of something that could potentially be really good for me or could be disastrous.. I feel that at this age (31 in a couple months) I should start to make something of my life.. in years past I have felt that it was impossible to do anything beyond surviving.. I have been low, lower than low, and I don’t want to go back there; so I feel that taking some steps (even if they are teeny weeny baby steps) towards something, anything, would be an improvement.. it’d give me something to work towards and to look forward to.. it’s not a done deal and I’m not holding my breath, just in case it doesn’t work out.. perhaps soon, when things are a little more concrete, i’ll reveal what I’m talking about (in case you haven’t already guessed).. I’m not really sure why I feel the need to keep it secret right now, I suppose in case it falls through or if someone feels that I’m incapable of actually accomplishing my goal.. I make myself look like an ass enough already, I wouldn’t want to add another occasion for people to criticize me..
So lately I’ve been feeling not so hot.. I’m drained of all energy, lacking the ability to even sit up in bed at times.. I’ve been to the doctor once and had blood work done with no abnormal results.. I stopped taking the one med that was thought to have caused these symptoms, yet they persist.. I’m well aware of how much mental illness and mood can factor in to physical comfort (or discomfort as the case may be); however, I don’t believe that what’s currently ailing me is mental, I believe it to be physical in nature.. but thinking about the strong connection between the two, I can’t help but wonder how much, if any, of those symptoms is based on mood and a possible mental health imbalance.. I worry a lot, about anything and everything.. I’m a worrier, I know this about myself, but it’s very difficult sometimes to just turn it off.. it’s not like flipping a switch, though how convenient would that be! I also struggle with obsessive thoughts, being unable to let a worrying thought escape my consciousness.. scenarios tend to play out in my head over and over, oftentimes with disastrous outcomes.. I am sometimes constantly struggling to keep control over myself, not allowing fear to grip me and/ or paralyze me.. I have no advice for anyone suffering through the same or a similar circumstance, I’m lucky to keep my own head above water! Though with assistance and professional help, I am working on these things.. some days are better than others, but every day I make up my mind to fight.. and unfortunately that’s how it will be until the end of my days – a fight/ struggle.. nothing comes easy for anyone, but life is especially difficult for those with mental illness..
With the news of robin Williams’ death (a suicide), I’m reminded of my own struggles and of how close I have come to taking my own life.. it saddens me greatly to think of another person being tormented so much that the only option they could see as viable was to end it all.. I’ve been down in the depths, in the darkness, alone; I’ve been so full of despair that I no longer wanted to live.. it’s frightening to be in that place, to not care anymore.. I can’t think about it anymore, it’s pulling me down right this very moment.. but the point was to say that I can understand where he was coming from, to fear that you make no impact on the world around you.. or worse yet, that you have only negative influences on the people you care about.. it’s nigh onto impossible to be pulled from that place, to come up out of those depths, and to continue to live.. I hope that those who struggle with mental illness, especially suicidal thoughts, have someone they can talk to.. I hope that people are able to get treatment and can begin to thrive.. we all need to someone to care about us, to love us.. can you be that someone?
Well, this is a very new thing for me; I also joined twitter recently, which I’m still getting used to.. but I think this is the beginning of a good thing for me.. I like to write and I like to unload, so this seems like a perfect setup.. I’m probably going to change the page a lot over the next week (or longer), so bear with me until I am satisfied with how it looks..