well, it’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything new, so here I am! this week has been really bad and also very good.. I was hospitalized at laurelwood in Gainesville (a psychiatric hospital).. it was, all in all, a positive thing for me.. I feel I got from it what I thought I would get from it.. the staff were nice, the other “inmates” weren’t mean, and I’m home now with better coping skills to deal with my mental illnesses.. I realized that I really need to prioritize myself and to better care for my own needs.. I’ve been not only neglecting myself, but also have been contributing to the problems..
this morning I had to go to the doctor again.. she said that she believes my ears are what’s causing the headache and nausea and dizziness.. I could tell, but she indicated that there’s a lot of fluid in my ears.. so hopefully the med(s) will help..
I just wanted to note: I’m extremely thankful for my family and the never ending support that they are to me.. I wouldn’t be here (as in alive) if I didn’t have them to help me through and to give me strength..
– Sara –
lately I’ve been really struggling with the depression phase of bipolar.. I think horrible things all the time; convincing myself that I don’t matter and that I’m not worthy of love and attention.. it’s so bad that I’ve been questioning God; asking why don’t I matter to him? I’m just an infinitesimally small speck, there’s no way he even notices me, let alone cares for me.. my best friend asked if I think it’s that way for everyone else or just me? I didn’t answer, but I suppose the feeling would be that it’s just me.. but then, what makes me so “special” that treats me in a way that he treats no one else? I don’t matter that much to him.. it’s hard.. I am doubting what I believe and I’m finding it hard to see any real worth or asset within me.. I feel so lowly, hopeless, helpless, dejected, unimportant, and insignificant.. totally insignificant.. the world, and nobody in it, would care if I died.. that’s how I feel.. if my absence was even felt (in everyone’s day to day operatiobs), I doubt the impact would last very long.. I try to make things happen; exciting things, once in a lifetime opportunities, but I’m such a coward that I can’t make them happen, I have no follow through.. I wish I knew how to live instead of survive.. I often wonder at what age I’ll die and if I will be the cause of it.. on some level knowing your life expectancy is shorter than most everyone else is saddening.. but those are the thoughts that generally consume me… as crazy as they are..
well, I knew it wasn’t going to work out.. I knew I had my hopes up for nothing.. but, on some level, it didn’t surprise me.. it definitely disappointed me, but it didn’t surprise me.. I’m constantly at odds with my mental illness and it’s been getting the better of me lately.. I feel defeated sometimes; I often don’t know why I even try to do anything
beyond survive.. I still have quite a bit to work through and it’s an uphill battle all the time.. I’m tired, just so very tired.. I try to think positively and to make myself feel better, but it doesn’t work that way.. nothing comes easy….
posted from Sara’s phone
It’s been a little while since I last posted and I felt I needed to get a couple things off my chest.. I have been looking into and beginning the process of something that could potentially be really good for me or could be disastrous.. I feel that at this age (31 in a couple months) I should start to make something of my life.. in years past I have felt that it was impossible to do anything beyond surviving.. I have been low, lower than low, and I don’t want to go back there; so I feel that taking some steps (even if they are teeny weeny baby steps) towards something, anything, would be an improvement.. it’d give me something to work towards and to look forward to.. it’s not a done deal and I’m not holding my breath, just in case it doesn’t work out.. perhaps soon, when things are a little more concrete, i’ll reveal what I’m talking about (in case you haven’t already guessed).. I’m not really sure why I feel the need to keep it secret right now, I suppose in case it falls through or if someone feels that I’m incapable of actually accomplishing my goal.. I make myself look like an ass enough already, I wouldn’t want to add another occasion for people to criticize me..
So lately I’ve been feeling not so hot.. I’m drained of all energy, lacking the ability to even sit up in bed at times.. I’ve been to the doctor once and had blood work done with no abnormal results.. I stopped taking the one med that was thought to have caused these symptoms, yet they persist.. I’m well aware of how much mental illness and mood can factor in to physical comfort (or discomfort as the case may be); however, I don’t believe that what’s currently ailing me is mental, I believe it to be physical in nature.. but thinking about the strong connection between the two, I can’t help but wonder how much, if any, of those symptoms is based on mood and a possible mental health imbalance.. I worry a lot, about anything and everything.. I’m a worrier, I know this about myself, but it’s very difficult sometimes to just turn it off.. it’s not like flipping a switch, though how convenient would that be! I also struggle with obsessive thoughts, being unable to let a worrying thought escape my consciousness.. scenarios tend to play out in my head over and over, oftentimes with disastrous outcomes.. I am sometimes constantly struggling to keep control over myself, not allowing fear to grip me and/ or paralyze me.. I have no advice for anyone suffering through the same or a similar circumstance, I’m lucky to keep my own head above water! Though with assistance and professional help, I am working on these things.. some days are better than others, but every day I make up my mind to fight.. and unfortunately that’s how it will be until the end of my days – a fight/ struggle.. nothing comes easy for anyone, but life is especially difficult for those with mental illness..
With the news of robin Williams’ death (a suicide), I’m reminded of my own struggles and of how close I have come to taking my own life.. it saddens me greatly to think of another person being tormented so much that the only option they could see as viable was to end it all.. I’ve been down in the depths, in the darkness, alone; I’ve been so full of despair that I no longer wanted to live.. it’s frightening to be in that place, to not care anymore.. I can’t think about it anymore, it’s pulling me down right this very moment.. but the point was to say that I can understand where he was coming from, to fear that you make no impact on the world around you.. or worse yet, that you have only negative influences on the people you care about.. it’s nigh onto impossible to be pulled from that place, to come up out of those depths, and to continue to live.. I hope that those who struggle with mental illness, especially suicidal thoughts, have someone they can talk to.. I hope that people are able to get treatment and can begin to thrive.. we all need to someone to care about us, to love us.. can you be that someone?
Well, this is a very new thing for me; I also joined twitter recently, which I’m still getting used to.. but I think this is the beginning of a good thing for me.. I like to write and I like to unload, so this seems like a perfect setup.. I’m probably going to change the page a lot over the next week (or longer), so bear with me until I am satisfied with how it looks..