I don’t often feel like I receive answers to prayers or requests, but lately I’ve been bombarded with messages that can only be in direct response to my sufferings and my longings and my pleas for answers..
I struggle every moment of every day to feel like I matter, to feel like I’m more than an invisible speck on this Earth.. I want so much to feel acceptance and understanding, for people to actually care and to be interested in me and what’s going on in my life.. But I’ve been seeing and hearing messages about learning to take negative experiences and learning from them/ growing from them, about finding peace and acceptance within yourself/ loving yourself, about putting aside your insecurities and finding confidence within yourself.. These are all things I desperately needed to hear.. I guess I haven’t been holding myself accountable and I am sorry for that.. I’ve been so focused on seeking love and acceptance and attention from others that I haven’t given any thought to learning how to be okay with myself – mind, body, spirit.. I don’t know how to even start loving myself, all I can remember is the hateful, debasing self-talk that has always invaded my thoughts.. But I am going to do everything I can to start the process of proper healing.. I don’t deserve to have anyone’s love, attention, or affection anyways, but especially if I don’t even love and respect myself..
This past week and a half have been so incredibly hard; I’ve been going through Zoloft withdrawal and it has been absolutely hell.. I’ve been in more physical pain that I can remember experiencing in a long time, I’ve been more emotionally unstable than I can remember being in a while, and I was at a place this morning where I had thoughts of wanting to cut again.. It’s been a while since I’ve struggled with thoughts of cutting and I do not like being there.. I’ve had moments where I’ve been so incredibly angry that I could barely control myself and there have been times when I could not, for the life of me, stop the tears from flowing.. I am BEGGING God to help me get through this.. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through.. There is so much I wish I could do, but I keep hearing thoughts in my head telling me to be patient.. I just want this whole ordeal to be over with.. People say, all the damn time, it seems, that things in life happen for a reason.. I don’t really believe that, but I do believe that we are responsible for how we respond and react to what happens in our lives.. We are responsible for how we let our circumstances shape us.. I’d really like to be the type of person who can say that they grew and advanced from their experiences..
Of course I wish my life had turned out differently and of course I wish that circumstances were different, but they aren’t and all I can ask for now is the strength and continued guidance to grow and persevere through whatever shitty thing Life decides to throw my way next..