So, I’ll start off by saying I’m unrealistic in my hopes and expectations.. I continually have these grand thoughts of things I want to do that I think will improve my life.. Then reality takes hold and cruelly slaps me in the face, reminding me of how stupid my hopes are.. I often think of my future, having no hope of anything good happening to me or to my life.. I’ve amounted to nothing, I’ve done nothing, and I have nothing to show for the years since I’ve graduated high school.. I’m the only member of my family to not graduate college with a degree.. Beyond that, I’m the only member of my family to not even attend college.. How pathetic is that! It’s for the best anyways; I’d flunk out within the first semester.. I’ve got no natural talent to focus on and try to improve..
But that’s all beside the point.. I was talking more in the finding a life partner aspect of life.. I’m 33 – never dated, never had sex, never even been kissed!! How unbelievably pathetic.. I’m not saying I wanna be someone who’s been around the block a few times, but I’d like to have experienced a kiss before.. Now that I think about it, I’ve never even held hands with anyone!! Now that is lame.. I’ve never been around guys.. I’ve never talked to guys.. I’ve tried dating websites, but I even fail at those! How does that happen?! I could try talking to a matchmaker service, but they’d never agree to try to match me with anyone.. I have no job, no education, no redeeming qualities.. I’d be that one person they’d never be able to find a match for..
On a separate note: my body is rebelling against me… and I’m not doing anything to counteract the damage.. I’m sure I’m actually contributing to it.. I feel like I’m dying and I’ve no hope for a better future.. I have no hope that my life will improve beyond what it is right now.. It’s as good as it gets and I’m on my way out.. If the fear of death can’t motivate me to try to get better then I don’t know what the hell can..
It’s better this way anyways.. I often feel out of place or even unwanted.. I feel like my presence would complicate things and so it’s better for me to just be alone.. That way I’m not in anyone’s way and I don’t make things more difficult than necessary.. Sometimes people are put out with me or with having to deal with me and having to add me to the equation.. I’d rather just remove myself than to put someone out..
That’s a big part of why I know I’ll never find a partner or get married – I’d be too much of a responsibility and burden..
I’m so stupid; having hope for a deep, personal love – the kind where you can do and say anything, share everything, and still be accepted.. That kind of love doesn’t exist, not for me.. If I can’t fully love and accept myself, then how can I expect anyone else to be able to? It doesn’t matter.. Either way, I’m not worthy of love and I know and understand I’ll never experience it..
If anyone even reads this, which I doubt they will, the ones to object to my “rantings” will be my parents – those who have a sort of obligation to love their children and to try and encourage them.. That’s not to say that I don’t have an awesome family, because I do.. They’re the best anyone could ask for, but with someone like me that they have to care for, makes life tough, I’m sure..
So, I’ll end by saying this: I need something in my life to hope for, something tangible and not just me being delusional.. To feel something other than sadness and guilt would be so freeing.. But again, I expect nothing..