Update :

So here it is, what’s “wrong” with me :
Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks, and Borderline Personality Disorder..

Living with these diagnoses is beyond difficult and, honestly, more than once I’ve felt like just giving up the fight.. Only with much love, guidance, and encouragement I am able to persevere..

Here are just some of the symptoms or ways that these illnesses present themselves :
Extreme (and sometimes rapid) mood swings; being overly sensitive to people’s words and actions; restlessness and pronounced insomnia; periods of deep, sometimes suicidal depression; hopelessness; misplaced guilt and low self-esteem; memory loss and brain fog; even hearing voices..

I have been receiving psychiatric care for years and have even been hospitalized, I’ve had years of counseling and therapy – all in hopes of “getting better”.. Years of misdiagnoses and treatment for the wrong illnesses, along with being heavily over-medicated have taken their toll on me mentally and physically.. I had taken toxic levels of medications for long periods of time, trusting the Drs knew what they were doing; instead, I was just continually being prescribed higher doses and instructed to add yet another medication.. The already too long list of meds was constantly being changed around completely, not following common sense protocol of allowing me time to adjust to meds or only changing one at a time so as to properly document changes taking place.. And the quality of therapy I was receiving was ludicrous; I often went just to be able to vent and talk out my emotions more so than I was actually getting any real help.. The facility I was receiving care from was constantly switching psychiatrists, constantly; and I saw three separate therapists, not counting the intern they tried to get me to see (the one who knew less about counseling than I did!).. Needless to say, I’ve been mistreated by doctors more than anyone should, but I didn’t know any better at the time.. You can trust the advice of your Dr, right? Plus, being on disability, there were only so many places I could go that took Medicaid, so I was severely limited on options anyways, I didn’t have much choice in where to go for psychiatric help..

I’m getting much better psychiatric treatment than I have ever gotten and I am doing so much better! But it’s also true that I’ve lost all interest in things I used to enjoy with fervor and I have failed to find the strength, or hope, to have a passion in or for anything anymore.. I struggle with feeling like so much of my life is a pathetic excuse for existence, because I find it hard to have deep, emotional connection with people.. I’m a misunderstood individual who, daily, has to muster up the strength to get out of bed and face the world.. People just don’t get me, so I’m afraid to make myself at all vulnerable.. I have many flaws, and while I understand that that fact doesn’t make me unique, I fear it makes me unrelatable.. I seek outside approval all the time and I’m sick of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m not worth anything.. I’m sick of feeling like I need to hide my true self because I won’t be accepted.. I’m loved, I know this.. I desire understanding above all; acceptance, second..

I’m putting myself out there in hopes of helping you to “get” me; I want you to know me, to see me.. I’m weird, quirky, kind, smart (sometimes anyways!), and understanding… and many more things; I’d love for you to know them all! I appreciate the support I get from you guys and I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.. I love you and I hope you know that..

Leave a Reply