Just me and myself…

so here i am, sitting in the house alone, with nothing to do and tons on my mind..  i rarely feel more helpless than when i can do nothing without the assistance of someone else..  i don’t do anything that a “normal” 31 yr old person does without needing help from someone beyond myself..  i usually try not to compare myself to anyone because i’m nowhere near normal, and never have been, but today feels like one of those days when a comparison is inevitable..  for so long now i’ve struggled with feeling like i’m stuck in a rut..  problem is, i actually am stuck in a rut..  i’m in the same position now that i was two years ago, three/ four years ago..  and right now i’m done with counseling..  i feel like i’ve outgrown its effectiveness..  yeah, it was good to have someone to completely dump on, but i’ve always bottled things and stuffed them down, so what would be any different now?  why should i start opening up and making myself completely vulnerable?  who can i trust with all my deep, dark “secrets” besides someone getting paid to listen?  will i ever find that person?  i doubt it..  i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’m going to live out my life alone..  i’ve already been hospitalized once for my sickness, my weakness, and i have a fear that it won’t be my last and only time..

taking a few deep breaths here, trying to think on something a little lighter, trying to “change the subject”, but i think i’m just gonna go and watch some netflix or maybe something on hbonow..  i dunno…..

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