..in want..

my heart is feeling empty right now..  i’ve come to realize that i’m a huge talker and not much of a doer; i don’t have the follow-through that most people do..  i have many things i wish i could do, but i am smart enough to know that i’ll never be able to do them..  unfortunately sometimes i get caught up in the moment of a conversation and allow myself to (stupidly) get my hopes up about something and think i can actually join them in that particular activity, which will never happen..  i hate that!  i then get home and don’t actually do anything to make the excitement of that conversation a reality..  it’s pathetic..  i need to just be honest with myself and others and not even allow myself to get my hopes up..  i admire people who take risks and who put themselves out there..  right now i feel very vulnerable and timid..  i’m not understood by anyone and though i realize everyone’s life experience is unique, i know that no one knows what it feels like to be me and no one can identify with me because my experience is so bizarre and weird..  i’m so alone in that regard..  i know it’s totally cliche, but i often feel like i’m standing in a room full of people yet i’m completely alone..  it’s the little things people do that make me feel worth the effort and worth caring for..  i’ve never felt worthy of anyone’s affection or attention..  on some level i know what caused me to grow up feeling that way, but i think it was actually a flaw within myself more so than it was the actions of someone else made me feel that way..  i’m  an incredibly flawed person..  and i sometimes wish i could be emotionally numb, but i’m always at the other end of the spectrum, feeling too many emotions way too intensely..  i feel totally and completely gutted at the littlest thing or overjoyed at the slightest thing that goes my way..  all too often i feel a wide range of emotions all at the same time, it’s exhausting..  i feel like i have to guard my heart and i can’t even share my emotions with my family..  i hide my true feelings so as to not rock the boat or offend someone..  i’m trying to understand that my feelings are just as valid as the next person’s and to express them in a constructive manner..  i don’t need to always keep my emotions unknown from those around me..  or maybe i should..  i can’t allow my heart to feel hurt right now..  i can’t hope for anything, i can’t have faith in anything, and i can’t express how much i truly miss abe..  and just like that the mood shifted..  i’m gonna leave on that note..

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