if only….

this is going to be a bit of a rant, so bear with me…. i’ve been mulling this over for a while now, but i need to rid myself of the burden it’s become to me..  i used to feel so assured that my destination after death would be heaven; i had very few doubts and felt it was secured..  after many, many hardships and lots of doubts about the strength of my relationship with the Savior, i’ve come to a place where i’m not so assured about where i’ll go after my body dies..  it’s not that i feel my actions dictate or have any bearing, it’s more so that i feel my faith is wavering and i don’t know if i’m secured a “spot” without having complete faith in Christ and His ability to save..  i don’t doubt that He saves, but i doubt there’s goodness in the world and i understand it’s foolish to have hopes and dreams..  at least it is for me..  i feel things so intensely that any little disappointment turns into a huge burden and regret; and i feel so foolish when i get hopeful that things might actually work out and then they turn out with the worst outcome possible..  but i digress..

the point or topic was to be about how i feel people can be so hypocritical and two-faced..  i especially feel that way about some people who profess to be christ-like and who are very self-righteous..  everything is hunky-dory, all is well, God is so good, blessings rain down on me!  ugh!  firstly, nobody is that cheery all the time..  secondly, you’ve not gone through any hardships in your life, you don’t know what it is to suffer or be tormented..  you don’t question your faith because life has always been good for you..  it’s impossible for anyone to fully understand me or what i go through, how i suffer..  so few people even try or even give a damn about me or what i experience..  yes, woe is me!  sometimes i feel completely alone..  even those who try to understand me can only get so far before they, too, start to think i’m crazy..  I think i’m crazy, so why shouldn’t other people?  do i think rationally?  do i feel anything that resembles a normal emotion?  i resent people who walk around in their stupid, ignorant bliss..  if only they knew true suffering..  if only they knew true torment and pain and loneliness and loss and disappointment….

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