That’s the title of a song by Andrew Lloyd Webber and it’s one of my favorites; well, used to be.. I used to feel such a deep physical ache in my chest when I would listen to this song because I could identify with the sadness, emptiness, and loneliness described in it.. I felt so alone, misunderstood, and hopeless.. I can’t do much about being misunderstood, but I don’t feel alone or as hopeless any more.. I’ve realized my family is there for me more than I thought.. I’m still quite skeptical of the idea of hope, feeling that I’ll end up being disappointed because nothing turns out the way I hope, or pray, that it would.. Maybe it could be said I lack the necessary faith for things to come to fruition, I don’t know..
This is stupid, but I used to want to sing, as something more than the occasional church solo.. But I wasn’t any good and I was definitely fooling myself to ever think I was.. I also used to LOVE to write, even more than singing, but I sucked at that, too.. I still have the desire to write, but I feel like, “why bother? I’m no good at it and it’d serve no purpose to write just for me..” I’m not smart enough to get into or get through college to get any sort of training to write, never mind the finances involved!
Anyways, it’s stupid to even think about it, totally pointless.. But the purpose of this post wasn’t supposed to be depressing me with the truth, I was writing to say that though I used to feel like that song could describe me, I no longer feel that way.. I’m not alone and I know that now.. And I’m neutral about hope, so that’s an improvement! I don’t deserve the parents I have or anything else in my life, but I feel very fortunate to have them and I’m very thankful.. I’m sure I don’t say “thank you” enough and I’ll try to do better, but I’m sure there’s room for improvement for us all..
Speaking of saying thank you more often : thank you to those who actually take the time out of their day to read my blog and to make room in their hearts to care for me.. It means more than I can say.. I don’t know why you do it, but I’m thankful you do..