And if you don’t mind
I’d like to live the lie
That I will survive
This is a line from a song that kind of sums up how I feel about my life right now.. I’m actively doing things to try to improve my physical health, I’m always working to improve my mental health, so we’ll see if any of it actually makes any difference at all or not.. I feel like it’s a losing battle, though; there’s too much damage done already and I’m constantly fighting symptoms and side effects..
But I’m gonna stop pissing and moaning.. Let’s focus on the good things in my life – since December of last year I’ve lost over 85 lbs, I’m finding renewed encouragement and inspiration from reading the Bible, I’m actually finding some energy to walk outside with mom (which isn’t easy considering I have a vitamin D deficiency and am dealing with folate anemia), my overall mood has improved lately (for whatever reason).. I’m really trying to make some positive changes.. I’m just leery about this good status ending the same way that all the others have – in a major spiral downward, back into the depths.. I’ve been feeling so good that I don’t want to jinx myself and I don’t want to hope that it will last long term without the realization, in the back of my head, that it’s probably going to change eventually, like it always does..
I’ve been reading Psalms and finding it a good read.. I can relate to some of the emotions behind the writings and it’s been good to read those thoughts from someone else’s perspective.. And the inspiration I’ve been finding has been helpful, too.. I’m finding a renewed fervor to seek God out and build a stronger relationship with Him again.. I really missed that.. I didn’t always realize I missed it or needed it, but I do now and I’m trying; I figure that, for now, is good enough..
I’m always thankful for my family, without them I wouldn’t still be here.. I’m a very blessed individual and I just hope and pray that I can see the purpose for my sufferings, if there is one, and learn from it.. I’m not one who believes everything happens for a reason, that’s childish; sometimes shitty things happen for no reason at all, sometimes great things happen for no reason at all.. There’s not always a rhyme or reason behind the circumstances we find ourselves in.. I’m not a person who believes there’s a “one” for people that you’re destined to be with.. Love is a conscious choice and it takes conscious effort and work to foster a relationship that develops into something with good in it.. It’s a two-way street, 100% from both parties, to make it work..
But I digress.. Hehe.. I’ll end with this – I’m beyond grateful for what I have and who I have in my life.. I probably don’t always show it or express it, but I know it could be worse, I’ve been there, and come out on the other side.. I’m not sure how I feel about the saying that says : “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I do know I’m a stronger individual now than I’ve ever been before.. Maybe it’s because of my circumstances, maybe it’s because of who I have in my life, I don’t know; i am strong and I will persevere.. Thank you, Dad, for reminding me of my strength..