Is there reason?

Do you ever feel like you’re failing to live up to God’s expectations or plans for you, for your life?  Maybe like you’re being punished for failing to fulfill your purpose..  Or even for failing to discover your purpose!  Maybe my purpose is to suffer, live in agony; that’s some people’s lot in life, right, their purpose even..  Maybe they go on to become someone who gets out of the muck and mire and serve a bigger purpose; to help people in some way, to fulfill a need, to serve the greater good..  I don’t think everyone is “destined” to do big things, or maybe even ‘one’ thing..  Yes, end of thought, no buts..  It’d be amazing if I had purpose in life, if I had a reason for being, for suffering..

I was doing so well – the new mix of meds was working so good, I felt great!  Then a sudden plummet, like the floor dropped out from underneath me..  I’m moody, sensitive, probably mean when I feel attacked or made to feel stupid..  I’m beginning to slide back into the part of me that feels like nobody really cares about me or thinks about me or feels anything for me..  Not that people want me out of their life, but that they just don’t care, they don’t even give me a second thought, except when I’m pissing and moaning and throwing a hissy fit like a toddler..  Then I’ll get the attention I so desperately desire, right?  It’s like I’m fishing for words of encouragement or for people to contradict me and say they really do care..  It all feels so hollow, like they feel obligated to soothe the fussing baby; just pat her gently on the back until she goes back to sleep, until her next big blow up when everybody rushes to her side to give her back her pacifier, to just shut her up..

I’m so thankful that my life isn’t worse, but why do I have to be in mental and emotional torment all the time?!  I get these little rays of hope, false moments of joy and peace..  I try so hard to guard against stupid, naive hope in things that just cannot be for me..  Nothing lasts, eventually the moments of peace come to an end, in a horrible burning pile of shit..  I just can’t live without torment, without debilitating sadness, without paralyzing anxiety, without crippling worry and fear..  That’s just not the life I’m destined to have..  I’m, evidently, going to suffer all my life..  I know what you’re thinking; everyone suffers, everyone experiences those feelings!  Yes, but do they keep you from living life?  Do they prevent you from having relationships?  Do they physically, PHYSICALLY, make it impossible for normal things to happen in your life?  And beyond that, do they stop you from being understood?  No, everyone has a friend similar to them, someone that they can relate to..  I am misunderstood, all the time..  I open my mouth and I’m looked at like I’m some freak of nature..  Maybe I am..

I reach out to people, multiple times on multiple occasions, and get nothing back, I’m literally ignored..  That fucking hurts!  Why can’t they be bothered to take five minutes out of their day to genuinely care about me?  Am I really that worthless?  If you’re even bothering to read this, which I seriously doubt, you ought to know who you are; and I want you to know how deeply you truly hurt me..  It’s a wound that will never fully heal, even if attempts to repair it are made..  I’m sorry you aren’t capable of giving a shit..

I’ve got such a terrible headache and a stomachache..  I’ve been crying, I’ve been opening up my soul, the inner parts of me that I don’t really want people to see… I get nothing..  I understand nothing..  Why am I even here?  Do I have more of a purpose than to be someone who can’t think of trying to face tomorrow when today I’ve felt so empty?  If I’m supposed to be called to do something specific, don’t you think that by age 34 I’d have an inkling of what that might be?  I’m called to languish..  That’s my lot..

Reader Comments

  1. Sara, that was hard to read because it leaves me feeling helpless and sad. I truly wish I had THE words that would make sense of this, but I don’t. Just know that whether you are writing about good feelings or bad feelings, you do a great job of sharing. I am praying for you and love you and care about you. Aunt Laurie

  2. Dear Sara, my heart breaks for you. I truly believe you are the strongest person I know. I can’t imagine your daily struggle, but the way you’re able to put it into words and share your feelings is amazing to me. Please know you are loved by so many. Praying for you, Cayo

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