who are you again?

It’s been a couple months since I last posted, so I thought I’d come ramble on for a bit..

I have been doing fairly well, I suppose..  That is, until recently.. I’ve been struggling with a lot of frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusionment, sadness..  I feel like I was ignorant about some things going on in my life and that’s frustrating because it makes me feel like a dope..  I hate feeling stupid..  It makes me want to jump out of my skin when I end up looking like an idiot in front of someone; or, at least, when I feel I look like an idiot..  But I digress…  I’ve just had a lot to process lately and it’s been very difficult because I’ve had some very conflicting emotions about things..  On the one hand, I’m angry that I was made to look a fool..  On the other hand, I should’ve seen it coming a mile away..  I also partly feel like I’m responsible for being misled, I allowed myself to believe what they were telling me..

I’ve also been dealing with a lingering sinus infection that doesn’t seem to want to go away..  And physical illnesses seem to affect my mental and emotional state more than it does for most people..  I get super depressed when I feel like crap and can’t seem to shake a sickness or when a chronic illness flares up (which happens a lot!)..

I also, periodically, struggle with feeling or knowing my value to those in my life that are important to me..  I feel worthless, like they only deal with and put up with me because I’m family and they have to..  And that, otherwise, they wouldn’t spend any time with me, given an option..  It’s very hard for me to recognize that they aren’t “stuck” with me and that they don’t just tolerate me but that they might actually enjoy spending time with me..  I often just can’t fathom that..

-sigh-  That’s probably enough of me blathering on about things that aren’t important to anyone but me….

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