the Year of Reclamation!

I haven’t posted on here in such a long time.  But there has been so much change happening within the last two years.  I have changed so much.  Things in my life are finally starting to change and head in the direction that I want to be going.  Much of the last two years has been more internal progression and much less outwardly visible progression.  BUT! I am finally starting to see outward expressions of the change happening within.  I have started going to therapy again.  And the therapist I am working with is such an amazing fit.  I’ve seen her twice but already she understands me and what my needs are and she is more than capable of helping me continue to grow and progress and change in all the ways i want to.

I had a real epiphany last week.  I am done.  I’m done hurting and allowing myself to stay stuck there just because it’s familiar.  I’m done being angry.  The people that stole so much from me have no power over me anymore.  And I’m done carrying that anger inside of me.  It’s doing nothing but hold me back.  And I MUST continue forward.  So I’m laying down that anger and I’m laying down the hurt.  And I’m leaving them both behind.  It’s my year and I’m taking back what was stolen from me.

I’ve had some really painful conversations.  I’ve faced a ton of really, really painful shit.  I’ve acknowledged and admitted the traumas and the reasons I am who I am today.  Now I’m working towards rewiring things in my brain so that they no longer hold me back.  It’s my time.  The only person who can make me happy or who can give me the things I want out of life is me.  I will gladly accept help and encouragement and reassurance.  In fact I need those.  But ultimately it’s up to me whether I have a contented and fulfilled life.  And it’s going to happen on MY terms.  Even in spite of the things that were taken from me I can still have everything I’ve ever wanted.  It means I’ll have to work that much harder for them and they certainly won’t come easy.  But they just might end up being even more rewarding because of the hardships to get there.

I also finally have very clear steps laid out before me.  I know where I am.  I know where I’m headed.  I now know how to get there.  Some of the steps forward have finally been made clear to me.  I can do it.  I can be a phlebotomist.  And I can do it well.  I can finish out this study guide and the national certification.  I can get hired as a phlebotomist.  And I can excel.  I am so scared I can’t fully express it in words.  Forward is entirely unknown territory.  I don’t know what’s out ahead of me.  But I am charging headfirst into the unknown because that is the way for me to go.  I am done being stuck in what’s familiar simply because it’s what I know.  I’m miserable.  And I’m done.

I recognize that me saying I’m done hurting doesn’t mean it will magically go away or that it won’t rear its ugly head every now and then.  I know I will always struggle.  But I’m done letting it dictate how I exist.  I’m ready to do more than simply survive.  I’m ready to thrive.  And I am going to.

I want you all to know that I am so incredibly grateful for your support and unconditional love over the years.  Your encouragement has always been so meaningful to me.  I hope you all know that I love you and I am thankful for you.

I am ready to soar!  I will learn to fly on these broken wings.  So keep an eye out because big things are on the horizon!  This is my year.  I am reclaiming what’s mine.





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