Just When I Think You Couldn’t Possibly Be Any Dumber…

…you go and prove me right!  And the “you” I’m talking to (about) here is me..  I don’t understand why I keep reaching out to people, hoping against hope, that they’ll not only respond but will respond positively and something good for both of us will come out of it..  But every fucking time I am proven to be an idiot and I learn YET AGAIN just how little I mean to people and how insignificant I am in this vastly huge world..  I believed the lie that I could make a difference and that people would care about me or would want to hear what I had to say..  Nobody gives a shit about me or how we could relate to one another..  With my clearer head I’ve become less vocal, in some regards..  I’m more outspoken in others, but in the ways that matter, I keep things to myself and nobody asks, so nobody knows..  Though I suppose I’m just as guilty as everyone else because I don’t pry into their lives to ask about how they’re doing..  My reasoning for it, though, is because I know I’d either get no response or a response so vague that it wouldn’t even be worth my having asked in the first place..  So, that’s my excuse..

I just feel so small and so unimportant..  I know my family loves me and cares about me and I know my parents carry guilt about things relating to me and how my life turned out, even though it’s no one’s fault but my own, and I know I’d be missed if I we’re gone, for a time anyways, but I don’t feel like the impact I have on people is very big or very lasting..

God, I’m such a fuck-up!  My life is such a disappointment..  When my psychiatric health care professional tells me that I’m her rock star patient I cirnge so fucking hard on the inside because I don’t deserve to be praised for anything I’ve done and it makes me so uncomfortable..  I survived, barely, and that was all that I did..  That’s what some people do every day of their lives, especially those who deal with mental health issues..  I did not one single thing that’s commendable and I hate having her talk to me or about me like that..  I don’t deserve it and I shouldn’t be held up to any sort of ideal, nor should my actions..  I’m a grade-A fuck-up and failure and my life is in shambles..  It was over before it even began..  I haven’t done so many of the normal things people do, the rites-of-passage that people experience as part of their normal/ regular living and existing..

I do sometimes wonder if I still might suffer from mild depression..  But I think I’m just overwhelmed with being so far behind, not knowing how to even begin catching up, and feeling like I’m not getting any helpful advice about how to progress or where to go from here..  I’m also frustrated that I won’t be able to catch up at all..  At least not in the areas that matter to me..  I can’t go back and undo or unmake the choices I wish I hadn’t made.. My life and my body are forever changed because of my stupid choices..  I’m just so fucking angry sometimes..  I don’t know how to deal with not having anybody to talk to and with not having anyone to spend time with and with hating just about every aspect of my life..  I don’t want to be dead, but I don’t want my life to be like this either and I am so fucking angry that it is and so fucking frustrated that I don’t know how to just be happy with it or how to fix it..

I hate myself so much and I hate everything about my life..  I’m so fucking lonely and I can’t even tell anyone!



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