Sometimes you feel like a nut….

Sometimes you don’t!

That slogan for almond joy and mounds candy could pretty much sum up my life..  Sometimes I feel somewhat normal and other times I feel so completely whacked out and crazy..  In either frame of mind, it’s virtually impossible for people to relate to me..  Yeah, yeah – everyone has their own individual experiences in life and no two people experience life the same way..  Yes, but people are always relating and connecting to one another because their experiences are so similar that they’re practically the same..  Not so for me..

Because it’s difficult to relate, I find myself withdrawing..  At the risk of sounding dumb,  I can identify with and understand the troubles of two fictional characters – the beast (Adam?) (from beauty and the beast) and Erik (from the phantom of the opera)..  They both are misunderstood, they both feel no hope of being loved, they both feel unworthy of love..  They are also societal outcasts, being shunned for being different..  I feel their despair, their hopelessness, their anguish..  I feel their longing..  Some days I feel that tugging, thoughts of self-doubt, that won’t relent..  I know I’m loved by some; not many, but some..  And that should keep those dark thoughts at bay, but they don’t..  I feel, so intensely, like there is something missing or that there’s something more I could have in life..  I used to daydream all the time about marrying someone, loving someone..  I realize now how foolish and naive that was..  I know now that I’ll never marry, I’ll never “find love”..  And it’s not for lack of trying!  I’m just not one who’s meant to be with someone..  I don’t necessarily believe in predestiny, but I just know that I won’t ever be with anyone..  Besides, at this point in my life, could I really adjust to being with someone anyways?  I’ve got my way of doing things, I’ve got a normal routine..  I wouldn’t be right for a relationship like that..

Sometimes, feeling as intensely as I do, I get consumed by emotions..  I get overwhelmed by feelings of wretchedness and despair; I can’t find my way out of them..  It’s a very heavy feeling, knowing that I’m sinking, waiting for that hand to reach out..  I feel guilty, thinking I shouldn’t feel this way..  But I can’t pull myself out..  I feel like I’m betraying those few who care about; that, by not being joyful and happy, that I’m somehow doing them wrong..  They shouldn’t have to worry about me and my wellbeing..  They shouldn’t have to wonder how deep down my mood goes..  They shouldn’t have to concern themselves with me at all..  But, they do..  And that makes me feel guilty, on top of everything else..  Like I shouldn’t be the way I am..  I feel as though I’m unacceptable, in every aspect of my being..  I’m a disgrace and embarrassment because I’m not “normal”..  All requirements I place upon myself..  But I feel that way nonetheless..

I feel like I’m not good enough..  They deserve better…

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