My life, from here on out..

So, here’s the deal ..  over the years I’ve come to realizations that change me, change the way I view myself and the world around me..  Recently I’ve voiced a realization that has been working in my mind for years..  Some might view it as depressing, but it is my reality and I accept it fully..

My mental illnesses are very hard to treat; they are resistant to long-term medicinal treatment..  They will work for a while and then will just sort of stop..  But the heavy duty meds are taking a toll on my body, wreaking havoc on all systems..  I’ve lost 60 lbs since last December, but it’s because a change in meds took me off of a few drugs that really packed on the weight..  I’m still very heavy, I know that, but a lot of it had to do with medications I was taking..  Anyways, the point is that it’s only a matter of time before I see more severe effects on my body – kidney and liver problems..  I already have severe memory issues and have had them for years..  Ever since I started taking depakote I’ve had problems remembering things; I’ve even forgotten a lot about my childhood and teenage years and even the years I was taking toxic doses of said med I’ve forgotten a lot about..  (I no longer take depakote)  I’ve realized that it’s only a matter of time before things really start to go south..  And I’m as okay with that as a person can be..

This is going to sound so morbid, but I hope that my mom outlives me..  I depend on her for so much that I just can’t do for myself and I’d be so lost without her..  I couldn’t survive without her, literally..  No slight to anyone else, but nobody could take her place..  For a very long time I’ve felt that I would eventually die by suicide, and I still believe that..  It won’t happen any time soon, but it’ll happen someday..  And I’ve known that I’d always be alone – without a partner/ husband..  No matter how much I might want that in my life, it’s just not going to happen..  I’ve accepted that and I’m trying to move on from it..

And I don’t want to end with a sad or depressed mood; I’m trying to rebuild my relationship with God and I’m trying to just forget about my physical pain, my mental anguish, and find a little bit of happiness in the moments with my family and the few friends I have..  I know life here in this realm is limited..  I trust and believe that a better existence awaits me on the other side, so until that moment when I just can’t take any more or the moment when I no longer fear death, I’m trying to make the best of my life and enjoy what I can..

Thank God for family, I’d be so much worse off without them..  I love you dearly and I’m sorry you have to put up with me and my sicknesses..  Your love and support means so much to me..  please don’t ever give up on me..

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