Is there reason?


So, today I’m feeling about as confident as I ever feel, which isn’t saying much..  Believe me, you don’t wanna know the self-deprecating thoughts that go through this head of mine..  As the saying goes, you’re your own harshest critic – definitely true of me..  I’ve “verbally” abused myself since I can remember being self-aware..  May be a ridiculous thought, that I could verbally abuse myself somehow, but it’s true..  Every day, almost every second of every day, abusive thoughts about myself flow through my head..  “Oh, you’re so stupid,” “you’re disgusting and nobody will ever learn to love you,” “you’re crazy, you’re jaded, and you’re damaged goods..”  There’s a lyric to the song I’m listening to now that just stuck out to me – “I wanna believe there’s beauty here.”


I’m always so physically drained dealing with the numerous medical ailments that plague me – IBS, fibromyalgia, diagnosed back issues, migraines, asthma, allergies, and other “minor” issues..  My body is exhausted and that contributes to making my mind exhausted..  Some days I just don’t have the strength or will to get out of bed..


I put pressure on myself to strive to live up to what I think others expect out of me..  I’m always so concerned with how my actions affect others that my own well-being is put second, always..  I’m not condoning selfishness, at all, but there comes a time when you have to put yourself first and just take care of yourself, not worrying about how it might affect other people..  I’m always so afraid that I’ll bother people or will be inconveniencing them somehow..  I have no self-confidence or self-esteem..  I question my own value to others..  If I mean so little to myself then how can I expect anyone else to give a shit about me?  Why should they?  I’m projecting the thought that there are no redeeming qualities to me and I have no redeeming value whatsoever..  How could I expect to attract someone with that bitter “nectar”?


I need to learn to value and love myself; I need to accept myself, warts and all..  I feel like I fail at so much, I fail those that do care about me..  Why can’t I see my own worth?  By not loving and accepting myself I’m disgracing my parents..  They should be as ashamed as I am..  Sometimes I like to believe I’m strong..  If I were really strong I’d persevere, I’d get out of bed every morning, I’d feel confident in my own skin, I’d value myself, I’d be able to endure the constant bodily pains without pissing and moaning about them..  If I were truly strong I’d never doubt myself, I’d stop apologizing when I don’t need to, I’d be able to see the way to make some good come out of every situation, I’d be capable of opening up and being truly vulnerable in front of people without fear of rejection..


I feel rash and irresponsible, rushing into making decisions (however small they might be), and I feel naive – so naive..  I fear I’ll never do anything or be anyone..  I’ve dreamt of and hoped for so much – how stupid..  Just when I begin to hope for more, I’m always brought down a peg by the reality of life..  And how far from what I’d once dreamed my life would be has it turned out to be!  Things I once thought I couldn’t live without I’ve grown to resent..


I’ve had to make some hard decisions in my life, ones I don’t regret, but I sometimes wish my life had turned out differently..  Some people believe everything happens for a reason..  How foolish that is!  Life is random; and life is what you make it, so they say..  I guess I just haven’t made much of my life..


My heart is heavy and my soul is troubled, my mind full of too many thoughts to compute all at once..  It feels good to unload, even if no one listens..  I know I can’t hope for any sort of acceptance or companionship until I truly learn to love myself and to see what others say they see in me..  It feels ridiculous to me to hope for some purpose in life; hope is for children..  And I’m not a child..



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