It’s been awhile..

I have been feeling like I have a lot of pent up emotions that I can’t share with anyone..  stupid Advantage and my counselor there have canceled my counseling and/ or have made it very difficult to reschedule a one hour session again anytime soon..  so I’ve not been in to see her or talk to her in a month..  and that’s too long of a period for me to go without speaking to her..  I could have gone in for a half hour appointment, but it’s not even worth it for me because by the time I really get into anything its time for me to leave..  and/ or we “have” to update something in my file and that takes up all the time..  so it’s very frustrating and I REALLY need to get some things out..  perhaps I can get some relief by sharing some of it here and now….

I’ve said it before and it’s no secret that I have fewer and fewer memories of events past anymore..  I attribute it to the years that I was on very high doses of Depakote; I feel it wiped my memory and even has somewhat affected my ability to retain new memories..  so I’ve recently come to realize that a lot of the memories I do have are of traumatic events (such as my mom’s bike accident or my car accidents [to name a few]) and times when I felt embarrassment because I felt incredibly stupid because of something I did or said..  That’s pretty pathetic and it bothers me a lot..  I do have some fond memories, but not a lot..  in fact, the majority of my memories  are less than favorable..  I wish it weren’t the case, but I suppose there’s nothing I can do about it – once a memory is gone it’s gone for good..

Also, I almost always feel highly self-conscious and insecure about my relationships with other people..  I often feel like they’re maybe more fragile than they really are..  I get upset and feel extreme guilty if I feel like I “did them wrong”..  I think I try to over-compensate for my insecurities..  sometimes I wonder how or why anybody likes me and why they even bother with me..  I feel like I’d probably not bother with or put up with someone like myself..  It’s sad..  I wish I felt differently and I wish I felt more sure of my relationships, but I really don’t..  even my relationships with my family members feel frangible..  I especially feel insecure about my relationship with my mother lately..  I don’t want to or feel like I can’t talk to her about things that bother me because she has more than her fair share of burdens right now and I don’t want to contribute to her stresses at all..  so I try very hard to keep from getting into anything real deep with her anymore..  and nobody truly understands me or what I go through, even though they might try very hard to do so..  and I do love my family dearly!  They mean more to me than anything and I would do anything for them..  but I don’t feel like I can unload on them..  the last time I tried sharing my thoughts or feelings on something I got a response that made me feel very abnormal and very fricked up, so I decided not to share things to anyone anymore..  not if I’m going to get reactions like that I won’t..  I’d rather keep them bottled up inside..

And lastly, I hate what I’ve let my body become..  I’m so overweight right now and so out of shape that it’s not even funny..  and I feel like some of my health issues are at least made worse by my weight and at worst are caused by my weight..  so I’m in a bit of a bad place about that..  I’ve tried dieting and I’ve tried exercising..  I’ve not been able to keep up with either (just like when I try anything else I do – I quit!)..  I enjoy some foods so much and I realize that I often eat of out habit more so than because I’m truly hungry..  I have some majors issues that need worked out, in many areas of my life, that one included..  I just feel so trapped sometimes..  like I don’t have a choice in many things and like I’m powerless over things that happen in my life..  I feel as though I’ve been delusional in the past, thinking that I was capable of something that I was far from being able to do..  and I have, in the past, felt as though I had some great gift to offer the world (particularly in the form of writing some big story or stories), but that was just plain stupid..  I have nothing to offer anyone, especially not in the form of a good story to read..  I was so stupid to believe I could be a Tolkien or C.S. Lewis, writing great fantasy stories that people would actually read..  it’s embarrassing to even say out loud, I was so dumb..  now I don’t even write little poems because I don’t see any reason to write at all, especially when I know they’d be stupid and not very good reads..  it’s like, what’s the point?  And I tried enrolling in school to further my education so that I might get slightly good at writing, but that was a big disappointment..  and I give up so easily, I know this..  but I don’t to put myself out there knowing that I would just be highly disappointed again because it wouldn’t work out again and again and again..  I don’t have the heart or the mental stamina to keep trying..

Which brings me to another point : I feel so weak sometimes..  I’ve been told that I’m such a strong person to have to endure the things I do concerning mental illness and I believe that, when it concerns other people..  those that struggle with mental illnesses are generally very strong individuals because of what they go through..  I have a hard time convincing myself that I’m strong and that I have any redeeming qualities..  I feel like I let people down all the time; as though I could be such a better person and I’m just not..  I’m jaded, I’m broken, and I’m a failure..  I give up everything I try to do..  I am incapable of seeing things through to the end..  I have great respect for my immediate family members (all of them) because every single one of them has gone to school for years and has graduated with some type of degree or degrees..  I admire that and I wish I could do that, too..  I’m the only one who hasn’t had any schooling beyond high school..  it makes me feel dumb..  and when I tried to enroll at a school within the last six months they told me I didn’t have sufficient paperwork (proof, basically) of my graduation and that they need to see more from me..  that’s impossible to do..  It’s been 13 years since I graduated and several moves later so there’s no proof I have of graduating, except for my diploma..  it’s disheartening because I feel it wasn’t meant to be and that’s why it didn’t work out..  perhaps I was being saved from the embarrassment that I would have faced had I tried doing the schoolwork..

I don’t usually believe that things happen for a reason, I believe that shot happens and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it or avoid it..  it happens to good people and it happens to bad people..  sometimes bad people succeed and get what they want, sometimes it can be said of good people..  life isn’t fair one bit..  but I don’t think we were ever told it would be fair or just..  life is shifty..  yes, I’m a complainer (another character flaw)..  I try to keep from complaining about things, but sometimes it slips out just because it’s what I do, it’s who I am..

And on that positive note, it ends…..

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