lately I’ve been really struggling with the depression phase of bipolar.. I think horrible things all the time; convincing myself that I don’t matter and that I’m not worthy of love and attention.. it’s so bad that I’ve been questioning God; asking why don’t I matter to him? I’m just an infinitesimally small speck, there’s no way he even notices me, let alone cares for me.. my best friend asked if I think it’s that way for everyone else or just me? I didn’t answer, but I suppose the feeling would be that it’s just me.. but then, what makes me so “special” that treats me in a way that he treats no one else? I don’t matter that much to him.. it’s hard.. I am doubting what I believe and I’m finding it hard to see any real worth or asset within me.. I feel so lowly, hopeless, helpless, dejected, unimportant, and insignificant.. totally insignificant.. the world, and nobody in it, would care if I died.. that’s how I feel.. if my absence was even felt (in everyone’s day to day operatiobs), I doubt the impact would last very long.. I try to make things happen; exciting things, once in a lifetime opportunities, but I’m such a coward that I can’t make them happen, I have no follow through.. I wish I knew how to live instead of survive.. I often wonder at what age I’ll die and if I will be the cause of it.. on some level knowing your life expectancy is shorter than most everyone else is saddening.. but those are the thoughts that generally consume me… as crazy as they are..