So I’ve been thinking : when is it time to just stop trying?  When should I stop reaching out to people?  It’s not that I simply feel ignored, I literally am ignored..  I go unnoticed, despite repeatedly reaching out and attempting to make connections..  So, I ask myself : should I altogether give up on trying to make connections with people?  Is it ever actually going to pay off?  I like to think of myself as a kind and relatable person, but maybe I’m just completely wrong about what kind of person I am and the vibe I give off to people..  Perhaps I come across as cold or disinterested..  I want so much to just connect with people, have conversations with them, build meaningful relationships with them..  But I seem to be rather off-putting in some way, because people just don’t care..


With each new day that passes I feel that I learn something new, and it’s not always a pleasant lesson..  But I still embrace them, because if I stop learning then I stop growing and I want to always be improving myself, making myself a better person..  I don’t understand what it is about myself that people find unappealing, but I continue to work on evolving and doing what I can to grow..  I know I fall short of my own expectations for myself and that I don’t live up to what I believe I should be, but I try to reconcile what I am with what I wish I was..


I am at the starting point in life, having missed out on so many opportunities that people my age would normally experience..  I struggle with wanting to be so much farther along than I am..  I feel like I’m nothing, I have nothing, I’ve done nothing..  But I have been through so much..  I have been to such dark places in my life that I very seriously contemplated death and I have, many times, wanted to just die, no longer wanting to live..  I have suffered so much..  And for what?!  What has come of it?  What have I gained?  I have missed out on so much..  I’d very much like to be hopeful for the future, that I might finally experience some of the things I’ve missed out on, but with each passing day, as my mind recovers and I regain some mental clarity, I struggle because my body is still tired and it hurts, it’s achy, and I still sleep a lot..  I expected that I would start to have some energy again, but that hasn’t proven to be the case..  I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do to help my body recover, too..


So I still question why should I bother trying to even connect with people anymore?  They’re predictable going to ignore me..  I can’t make people care about me..  I can’t force people to take an interest in me..  I obviously lack something that makes people want to know more about me and want to connect with me..  It’s beyond me what that is; if I knew, I’d change it..


I’m growing in my relationship with our Creator, but I still struggle to understand my purpose, if I even have one..  There are so many things I want and pray for in life, but it’s sometimes hard to have faith and hope that I’ll one day receive them..  If I knew a better way to go about getting what I want, I’d do it, but I’m rather ignorant that way..  I don’t understand why my life is the way it is..  I’ve stopped blaming people for it, it does nothing for me to dwell on who might’ve contributed in what way..  I’ve stopped asking why, I’m not sure I’ll ever get an answer, if there even is one!  I just try to roll with the punches and deal with things as they are.. My memory will probably never be restored, there’s been some irreparable damage done to my body by all those heavy-duty prescription drugs I was on for so long, and the emotional trauma of it all has definitely taken its toll, but overall I feel like I’m adjusting pretty well, considering..  I do feel fortunate that things are not worse..  I am thankful for the things, and people, I have in my life..  My life and circumstances could certainly be much, much worse, I acknowledge that..  That doesn’t detract from how difficult the last 13 years have been for me..


I apologize for the things I have said or done to the people in my life that have been hurtful..  I could say that for a long time there I didn’t have control over myself, because of the medications, but I do take responsibility for myself and my actions and anything I’ve done to hurt someone..  I wish that some relationships could be repaired, but it takes interest from both parties, and that just doesn’t exist..


Have you ever had a friendship/ relationship with someone that you thought would never change?  That you thought was strong enough to last a lifetime?  Yeah, me, too..  Turns out, it wasn’t..  I’ve attempted to reach out and repair that broken connection, but I was summarily ignored and flat-out mislead..  They said they cared and had an interest in rekindling that friendship, but obviously they didn’t care to make time for me in their ever-so-busy life..  I didn’t make the cut, I just wasn’t important enough..  Yeah, that hurts just a little, especially given how close we used to be..  I once thought that bond could never be broken; but I guess all things can eventually change..


So I try to move forward, attempting to forge new bonds, but that hasn’t exactly worked out either..  I’ve tried bolstering bonds already established, but that’s not really happening much either..  There’s just something about me, I guess..  People can, evidently, take me or leave me – usually the latter..  I’m not sure people even take notice of me; I guess that’s why I’m just as happy staying in my room alone most of the time..  I realize people have things going on in their lives and I’m not expecting them to drop everything and put their focus solely on me, but in all honesty, it would be nice to be the center of attention sometimes, for people to take a genuine interest in me and to listen to what I have to say..  But I don’t expect that and I don’t even ask for that from anyone, because I know that everyone around me already has so much going on that it’d be brutally unfair to ask such a thing of them.. I guess that’s why I attempted to make new connections with new people, but as I’ve already said, that’s going nowhere..  Peoole just don’t care and I don’t know what I can do to make people take an interest in me..  How do I convey to people that I’m worth their time, that they would be getting something out of a friendship with me? Then I have to question myself..  Would they indeed be getting something out of a relationship with me?  Would they have something to gain?  Or am I one of those who’s all take take take?


I’m physically cold right now and I’m exhausted..  I’m weary of fighting to grow past being angry about how shitty my life is..  I’ve stopped questioning why; it gets me nowhere..  Oh, I have cried so many tears, how could my body not be a completely shriveled up shell of a human being by now?!  My soul just aches so much..  If I had the remedy or an elixir that would fix whatever is wrong with me as a person, I would take it right now; but evidently I’m destined to learn how to fix myself the long and hard way..


I truly doubt whether I’ll ever really connect with anyone (i.e. a guy), being truly understood and accepted with all my many faults, and loved unconditionally no matter what..  For now I’ve given up even trying to make an initial connection..  And I’ll stop reaching out to people, because it’s evident no one cares about me..  People must already have everything in their lives that they need/ want and they don’t have room for me..



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