Spare change, anyone?

So I’m not that great with change and I don’t seem to do well when things don’t go as expected..  Half my time is spent trying to cope with my life turning out differently than I’d hoped, whether it’s an emotional component or a physical component, I come face-to-face every day with my alternate life and how differently it is than what I’d always wanted it to be..  Sometimes I question my own sanity, having to constantly ask for a rational mind to think through my reasoning for me so I don’t do something stupid or I don’t have a meltdown because I was being overly sensitive..  It’s exhausting..  Every second of every day my mind questions things, questioning what any rational person takes as a compliment or as encouragement..  It’s not that I question the sincerity, because I believe that’s there one hundred percent, it’s that I question how I could be worthy of such affection or devotion or level of care.. I’m always asking myself why a person spent time with me, did they do it at the behest of someone else?  Were they encouraged to do so because it was known how fragile a state I was in and that another person’s company would make me feel better?  That doesn’t actually happen and people don’t actually do that, but that’s how my brain works, never being able to process that a person would genuinely want to spend time with me of their own volition and as their own choice.. I’m always telling myself I’m not worthy, of anything, and I’m always believing..  It’s impossible to turn off those inner thoughts and that inner monologue, and they’re impossible to ignore..  It saps any hope I might’ve had in me right out; I’m of the thought that I’m unworthy of people’s time and affection and if that’s how my brain just works (chemistry, hormones, and all), then how can I possibly expect anything to change?

I’ve looked into alternative treatments, ones that a person with medication resistant mental illness would have as last options, and those aren’t possibilities either..  Theyre insanely expensive, but even beyond that, the odds of them being effective aren’t that great, and some could have serious and permanent side effects..  As if autobiographical memory loss wasn’t enough of a problem for me already, it’d be stupid to try a treatment with a strong likelihood of making that memory loss worse, and one that’s not got great chances of even working anyways!  It just seems foolish to me to try to scramble and find $15,000-$25,000 or more for these treatments (and that’s if I try just one!) that don’t even have a very good chance of being effective..  And those costs are just for initial treatment, that doesn’t include any additional treatment that might need to be done..  Plus, I’d probably still have to remain on some medication anyways, which would be part of the point of doing these alternative treatments in the first place..  It’s just ridiculous..

What’s also ridiculous is that I sometimes feel of a very sound mind and sometimes I don’t trust myself with my thoughts or judgement any further than I could throw myself!  But I can’t always distinguish which times I’m actually being reasonable and which times I’m not..  That’s why I need an outside source of guidance for my actions, I feel like I just can’t trust myself, and that’s a shitty place to be..

It’s especially difficult when I don’t have the wanted amount of time spent with my rule stick (my mother) to feel like I have enough outside influence in my decision making..  I hate to rely on her for so much, she’s got so many responsibilities already, she doesn’t need me hanging off her arm, constantly asking for her advice..  Not that she minds doing it, I don’t think she does, at all; but I feel guilty for taking that time and attention away from something or someone else more important than me who would need her more..

It’s just really difficult, like, all the time..  I used to be such an independent person, able to think for myself, make decisions on my own, and live happily with those choices..  Now I feel like I’ve been crippled, by mental illness, to the point where I’m a parasite..  I’m living off of others’ energy and sapping their life force right out of them..  I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know if I can stop..  And I feel like the longer time goes on, the older I get and more mentally unstable I get, the less chance there is for recovery..  I just feel utterly hopeless..  I know, in my heart of hearts, I’ll never have the strength or clarity of mind to be any sort of independent ever again and that bums me the hell out..  I don’t want to be that kind of burden on anyone for the rest of my life..  One day this is all going to just be too much for me and I’m gonna do the right thing by unburdening the world..  But for right now I’ll suffer through, in anything but silence..  My complaints are deafening, I’m sure, and I’m sorry for those of you who choose to listen..  I don’t understand why..  But I thank you for caring all the same..  It means more than you could ever know to think that even one person out there has concern and love for me, I just can’t comprehend it..

Reader Comments

  1. I’m sure I’m not the only person who gains a clearer understanding of you and your thought process when I read what you write. I believe it’s good because it helps us know your feelings and battles that you fight. It also helps us understand the pain and anguish you go through on a daily basis. Hearing the way you battle with your own thoughts and feelings helps us empathize with you even if we can’t understand it on a personal basis or ever truly relate to it because we don’t have the same battles. At least on the same level as you. We do, however, also have doubts about the choices we make and feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, just not at the same level as you. I can only speak for me but enjoy being around you and enjoy your personality and sense of humor. It’s never a burden or chore but a true pleasure that I honestly miss when you don’t feel like being around people. Wish I could do something to help but know there’s not much that I or others can do. What I can do is continue to live you and be thankful that God blesses my life with you. Love ya.

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