Naive little girl..

So I’m surrounded by people, I’m in a household full of people..  I still often feel very alone..  I don’t feel like I have anyone I can be completely open and honest with; there’s no one that would even understand me anyways..  Countless times I type out a text expressing an emotion I’m feeling, hoping that by reaching out I’ll find someone of a like mind, only to turn around and delete the whole thing..  I wish I could pour out my thoughts, empty my soul of these burdens, but there’s no one to share it with..  Those around me carry enough of their own burdens, they don’t need mine heaped upon them, too..  I wouldn’t do that to them..  I feel most alone during the day, when the house is a buzz, full of action..  At this time I feel the most frustration..  So many people at arm’s length, carrying their own heavy burdens..  Sleep is my only reprieve..  I have so much to say, so much to express, no one to listen..  Deep emotions that I’d like to connect with someone through understanding..  I’m not looking for “the love of my life” or “the one”, just a friend that I can have deep conversations with..  But I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, I can’t do that..  So there’s no hope of finding anyone to share my sorrows..  There’s never hope, it’s foolish and naive to have hope..  A realistic viewpoint is the only way to keep from getting hurt or being disappointed..  I know it can’t be avoided completely, that’s life, it seeks you out..  But at least I can try to avoid it..  I have to shelter and protect myself somehow..  I have to guard what’s left of my heart, what’s left of my soul..

who are you again?

It’s been a couple months since I last posted, so I thought I’d come ramble on for a bit..

I have been doing fairly well, I suppose..  That is, until recently.. I’ve been struggling with a lot of frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusionment, sadness..  I feel like I was ignorant about some things going on in my life and that’s frustrating because it makes me feel like a dope..  I hate feeling stupid..  It makes me want to jump out of my skin when I end up looking like an idiot in front of someone; or, at least, when I feel I look like an idiot..  But I digress…  I’ve just had a lot to process lately and it’s been very difficult because I’ve had some very conflicting emotions about things..  On the one hand, I’m angry that I was made to look a fool..  On the other hand, I should’ve seen it coming a mile away..  I also partly feel like I’m responsible for being misled, I allowed myself to believe what they were telling me..

I’ve also been dealing with a lingering sinus infection that doesn’t seem to want to go away..  And physical illnesses seem to affect my mental and emotional state more than it does for most people..  I get super depressed when I feel like crap and can’t seem to shake a sickness or when a chronic illness flares up (which happens a lot!)..

I also, periodically, struggle with feeling or knowing my value to those in my life that are important to me..  I feel worthless, like they only deal with and put up with me because I’m family and they have to..  And that, otherwise, they wouldn’t spend any time with me, given an option..  It’s very hard for me to recognize that they aren’t “stuck” with me and that they don’t just tolerate me but that they might actually enjoy spending time with me..  I often just can’t fathom that..

-sigh-  That’s probably enough of me blathering on about things that aren’t important to anyone but me….

Life just keeps on sucking…

So I know that to people this would seem like a trivial matter, but to me it struck a much deeper cord and has affected me in a bad way..  So within the last week and a half all of the bras that I have that fit me comfortably well enough to wear broke in some form or fashion (underwire poking out / underwire breaking in two) and it has forced me to purchase replacement bras..  This morning I went bra shopping, which I HATE doing because it consists of trying things on and that always depresses me..  But I get there and they measure me and I tell them they measured wrong, I’m not that big..  Another woman comes over and she measures me, too, telling me that I’m wearing my bra wrong (who knew that could happen?) and that the first chick’s measurement of me was correct..  Then she tells me they sell bras in that size but don’t carry them in the store..  My heart drops, I’m too fat for the fat women’s store to carry bras big enough..  That’s bad..  So the lady suggests trying on the largest size they carry in store and using an extender..  So I do that, I try on numerous bras, and I decide on a couple to buy with the extenders..  I’m as happy with them as I expected, they’re bras, but I’m super depressed about learning I had gotten so much bigger since the last time I bought bras..  Evidently I just keep on getting bigger and bigger, growing larger and larger..  Soon I’ll be too big to buy any clothes..  I already order my clothes online and have them shipped..  As though I didn’t have enough issues with my body image and enough self esteem issues already!  I should just become a hermit and never leave the house..   That way nobody would have to look at me..   -sigh-  I feel absolutely horrible..  It’s days like these that make me want to hurt myself, punish myself for being so gross..

Long time no see..

It’s been forever since I’ve written a new blog post, so here I am, killing time.. I feel like I’ve been doing so-so; I’ve been better and I’ve certainly been worse..   I feel like I’ve been doing okay as far as not letting negativity consume me, as it can often do..  I try to not read too much in to things and to understand people better..  I know I’m an enigma and I’m complicated and I’m not the best of persons; I need to do better at remembering I do have redeeming qualities and to not be so hard on myself..  When you make so many stupid mistakes or say so many stupid things, it’s hard to not begin to believe you’re a really dumb person..  Oh well, maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m not – who knows?!

..in want..

my heart is feeling empty right now..  i’ve come to realize that i’m a huge talker and not much of a doer; i don’t have the follow-through that most people do..  i have many things i wish i could do, but i am smart enough to know that i’ll never be able to do them..  unfortunately sometimes i get caught up in the moment of a conversation and allow myself to (stupidly) get my hopes up about something and think i can actually join them in that particular activity, which will never happen..  i hate that!  i then get home and don’t actually do anything to make the excitement of that conversation a reality..  it’s pathetic..  i need to just be honest with myself and others and not even allow myself to get my hopes up..  i admire people who take risks and who put themselves out there..  right now i feel very vulnerable and timid..  i’m not understood by anyone and though i realize everyone’s life experience is unique, i know that no one knows what it feels like to be me and no one can identify with me because my experience is so bizarre and weird..  i’m so alone in that regard..  i know it’s totally cliche, but i often feel like i’m standing in a room full of people yet i’m completely alone..  it’s the little things people do that make me feel worth the effort and worth caring for..  i’ve never felt worthy of anyone’s affection or attention..  on some level i know what caused me to grow up feeling that way, but i think it was actually a flaw within myself more so than it was the actions of someone else made me feel that way..  i’m  an incredibly flawed person..  and i sometimes wish i could be emotionally numb, but i’m always at the other end of the spectrum, feeling too many emotions way too intensely..  i feel totally and completely gutted at the littlest thing or overjoyed at the slightest thing that goes my way..  all too often i feel a wide range of emotions all at the same time, it’s exhausting..  i feel like i have to guard my heart and i can’t even share my emotions with my family..  i hide my true feelings so as to not rock the boat or offend someone..  i’m trying to understand that my feelings are just as valid as the next person’s and to express them in a constructive manner..  i don’t need to always keep my emotions unknown from those around me..  or maybe i should..  i can’t allow my heart to feel hurt right now..  i can’t hope for anything, i can’t have faith in anything, and i can’t express how much i truly miss abe..  and just like that the mood shifted..  i’m gonna leave on that note..

Just me and myself…

so here i am, sitting in the house alone, with nothing to do and tons on my mind..  i rarely feel more helpless than when i can do nothing without the assistance of someone else..  i don’t do anything that a “normal” 31 yr old person does without needing help from someone beyond myself..  i usually try not to compare myself to anyone because i’m nowhere near normal, and never have been, but today feels like one of those days when a comparison is inevitable..  for so long now i’ve struggled with feeling like i’m stuck in a rut..  problem is, i actually am stuck in a rut..  i’m in the same position now that i was two years ago, three/ four years ago..  and right now i’m done with counseling..  i feel like i’ve outgrown its effectiveness..  yeah, it was good to have someone to completely dump on, but i’ve always bottled things and stuffed them down, so what would be any different now?  why should i start opening up and making myself completely vulnerable?  who can i trust with all my deep, dark “secrets” besides someone getting paid to listen?  will i ever find that person?  i doubt it..  i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’m going to live out my life alone..  i’ve already been hospitalized once for my sickness, my weakness, and i have a fear that it won’t be my last and only time..

taking a few deep breaths here, trying to think on something a little lighter, trying to “change the subject”, but i think i’m just gonna go and watch some netflix or maybe something on hbonow..  i dunno…..

if only….

this is going to be a bit of a rant, so bear with me…. i’ve been mulling this over for a while now, but i need to rid myself of the burden it’s become to me..  i used to feel so assured that my destination after death would be heaven; i had very few doubts and felt it was secured..  after many, many hardships and lots of doubts about the strength of my relationship with the Savior, i’ve come to a place where i’m not so assured about where i’ll go after my body dies..  it’s not that i feel my actions dictate or have any bearing, it’s more so that i feel my faith is wavering and i don’t know if i’m secured a “spot” without having complete faith in Christ and His ability to save..  i don’t doubt that He saves, but i doubt there’s goodness in the world and i understand it’s foolish to have hopes and dreams..  at least it is for me..  i feel things so intensely that any little disappointment turns into a huge burden and regret; and i feel so foolish when i get hopeful that things might actually work out and then they turn out with the worst outcome possible..  but i digress..

the point or topic was to be about how i feel people can be so hypocritical and two-faced..  i especially feel that way about some people who profess to be christ-like and who are very self-righteous..  everything is hunky-dory, all is well, God is so good, blessings rain down on me!  ugh!  firstly, nobody is that cheery all the time..  secondly, you’ve not gone through any hardships in your life, you don’t know what it is to suffer or be tormented..  you don’t question your faith because life has always been good for you..  it’s impossible for anyone to fully understand me or what i go through, how i suffer..  so few people even try or even give a damn about me or what i experience..  yes, woe is me!  sometimes i feel completely alone..  even those who try to understand me can only get so far before they, too, start to think i’m crazy..  I think i’m crazy, so why shouldn’t other people?  do i think rationally?  do i feel anything that resembles a normal emotion?  i resent people who walk around in their stupid, ignorant bliss..  if only they knew true suffering..  if only they knew true torment and pain and loneliness and loss and disappointment….

It’s been awhile..

I have been feeling like I have a lot of pent up emotions that I can’t share with anyone..  stupid Advantage and my counselor there have canceled my counseling and/ or have made it very difficult to reschedule a one hour session again anytime soon..  so I’ve not been in to see her or talk to her in a month..  and that’s too long of a period for me to go without speaking to her..  I could have gone in for a half hour appointment, but it’s not even worth it for me because by the time I really get into anything its time for me to leave..  and/ or we “have” to update something in my file and that takes up all the time..  so it’s very frustrating and I REALLY need to get some things out..  perhaps I can get some relief by sharing some of it here and now….

I’ve said it before and it’s no secret that I have fewer and fewer memories of events past anymore..  I attribute it to the years that I was on very high doses of Depakote; I feel it wiped my memory and even has somewhat affected my ability to retain new memories..  so I’ve recently come to realize that a lot of the memories I do have are of traumatic events (such as my mom’s bike accident or my car accidents [to name a few]) and times when I felt embarrassment because I felt incredibly stupid because of something I did or said..  That’s pretty pathetic and it bothers me a lot..  I do have some fond memories, but not a lot..  in fact, the majority of my memories  are less than favorable..  I wish it weren’t the case, but I suppose there’s nothing I can do about it – once a memory is gone it’s gone for good..

Also, I almost always feel highly self-conscious and insecure about my relationships with other people..  I often feel like they’re maybe more fragile than they really are..  I get upset and feel extreme guilty if I feel like I “did them wrong”..  I think I try to over-compensate for my insecurities..  sometimes I wonder how or why anybody likes me and why they even bother with me..  I feel like I’d probably not bother with or put up with someone like myself..  It’s sad..  I wish I felt differently and I wish I felt more sure of my relationships, but I really don’t..  even my relationships with my family members feel frangible..  I especially feel insecure about my relationship with my mother lately..  I don’t want to or feel like I can’t talk to her about things that bother me because she has more than her fair share of burdens right now and I don’t want to contribute to her stresses at all..  so I try very hard to keep from getting into anything real deep with her anymore..  and nobody truly understands me or what I go through, even though they might try very hard to do so..  and I do love my family dearly!  They mean more to me than anything and I would do anything for them..  but I don’t feel like I can unload on them..  the last time I tried sharing my thoughts or feelings on something I got a response that made me feel very abnormal and very fricked up, so I decided not to share things to anyone anymore..  not if I’m going to get reactions like that I won’t..  I’d rather keep them bottled up inside..

And lastly, I hate what I’ve let my body become..  I’m so overweight right now and so out of shape that it’s not even funny..  and I feel like some of my health issues are at least made worse by my weight and at worst are caused by my weight..  so I’m in a bit of a bad place about that..  I’ve tried dieting and I’ve tried exercising..  I’ve not been able to keep up with either (just like when I try anything else I do – I quit!)..  I enjoy some foods so much and I realize that I often eat of out habit more so than because I’m truly hungry..  I have some majors issues that need worked out, in many areas of my life, that one included..  I just feel so trapped sometimes..  like I don’t have a choice in many things and like I’m powerless over things that happen in my life..  I feel as though I’ve been delusional in the past, thinking that I was capable of something that I was far from being able to do..  and I have, in the past, felt as though I had some great gift to offer the world (particularly in the form of writing some big story or stories), but that was just plain stupid..  I have nothing to offer anyone, especially not in the form of a good story to read..  I was so stupid to believe I could be a Tolkien or C.S. Lewis, writing great fantasy stories that people would actually read..  it’s embarrassing to even say out loud, I was so dumb..  now I don’t even write little poems because I don’t see any reason to write at all, especially when I know they’d be stupid and not very good reads..  it’s like, what’s the point?  And I tried enrolling in school to further my education so that I might get slightly good at writing, but that was a big disappointment..  and I give up so easily, I know this..  but I don’t to put myself out there knowing that I would just be highly disappointed again because it wouldn’t work out again and again and again..  I don’t have the heart or the mental stamina to keep trying..

Which brings me to another point : I feel so weak sometimes..  I’ve been told that I’m such a strong person to have to endure the things I do concerning mental illness and I believe that, when it concerns other people..  those that struggle with mental illnesses are generally very strong individuals because of what they go through..  I have a hard time convincing myself that I’m strong and that I have any redeeming qualities..  I feel like I let people down all the time; as though I could be such a better person and I’m just not..  I’m jaded, I’m broken, and I’m a failure..  I give up everything I try to do..  I am incapable of seeing things through to the end..  I have great respect for my immediate family members (all of them) because every single one of them has gone to school for years and has graduated with some type of degree or degrees..  I admire that and I wish I could do that, too..  I’m the only one who hasn’t had any schooling beyond high school..  it makes me feel dumb..  and when I tried to enroll at a school within the last six months they told me I didn’t have sufficient paperwork (proof, basically) of my graduation and that they need to see more from me..  that’s impossible to do..  It’s been 13 years since I graduated and several moves later so there’s no proof I have of graduating, except for my diploma..  it’s disheartening because I feel it wasn’t meant to be and that’s why it didn’t work out..  perhaps I was being saved from the embarrassment that I would have faced had I tried doing the schoolwork..

I don’t usually believe that things happen for a reason, I believe that shot happens and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it or avoid it..  it happens to good people and it happens to bad people..  sometimes bad people succeed and get what they want, sometimes it can be said of good people..  life isn’t fair one bit..  but I don’t think we were ever told it would be fair or just..  life is shifty..  yes, I’m a complainer (another character flaw)..  I try to keep from complaining about things, but sometimes it slips out just because it’s what I do, it’s who I am..

And on that positive note, it ends…..

When Life gives you lemons…

… throw them back and hope you hit Life in the face..  That’s such a wrong thing to say, I know, but I’ve been rather forlorn and upset since Thursday a week and a half ago..  Life changed for us all and not for the better..  Everyone keeps saying God can use this situation for good..  While I have no doubt that He can, I very much doubt whether or not He actually will..  I know that we were never promised that life would be fair, but I didn’t expect so many injustices..  The kids are the ones who will suffer most and there’s going to be conflict over that as well..  Stupid ass people acting like they suddenly have genuine interest; that makes my blood boil..  You’re the one who up and left, completely abandoning any life you had here so that you could live “carefree” and without the responsibility you brought on yourself..  Piece of shit..  I have so much anger and resentment in my heart right now..  And on top of that, you presume to know what’s best for the kids you left behind..  You’re a spiteful witch who’d rather fight for custody than see them stay in a stable and familiar home with people who actually love them..  Because you don’t love them – your actions clearly show that..

Anyways, that was enough time wasted talking about her..  I’d rather talk about my own personal issued and try to work through those instead, since I can’t even begin to change or influence her..  I have no life right now..  I sleep, eat, shit, and sometimes leave the house..  I regularly take an additional anti-anxiety med, which only sometimes seems to help..  I have to take a concoction of OTC meds in addition to prescription drugs throughout the day to battle physical pain, allergies, headaches, and emotional pain..  Sometimes I don’t even care if I might not wake up the next morning..  I’m not specifically trying to kill myself, I’m just apathetic right now..  And getting in to see anyone at advantage is a joke..  They’re not the least bit helpful in scheduling and they’re so busy that you get lost in a sea of faceless cases..  I just don’t know what to do with myself..  I had such high hopes that I wouldn’t get to such a low place again, but it happened very fast..  Not that there isn’t good reason to be depressed, but I still wish I was doing better..  I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless..

New year, new me?

It’s officially 2015.. I cannot believe it! I’ve survived another year, it seems.. I’m (mostly) intact.. I am hoping that one of these days I’ll finally be able to stop living a life dictated by anxiety.. As I’m becoming more and more self-aware, I recognize my struggles and their origins.. I battle everyday with such intense emotions and feelings that I am utterly gutted by the slightest little thing.. Sometimes, not nearly as often though, I am elated and delighted by such little things that it doesn’t make much sense.. I still bottle the majority of my emotions; I’ve not found anyone that understands me very well and that is disheartening.. I didn’t realize until recently that there’s so much of myself that I can’t share with people.. I thought I had connections with people, that I could share things with people at any moment if I needed them.. But I still keep things to myself because of not wanting to be any sort of burden to anyone.. I’m not the only person in their lives and they have other people that need (and deserve) their attention.. I can’t be selfish like that.. I sometimes wish I lived away from everyone, thinking that somehow I’ll be less intrusive and less of a disturbance to my family.. I feel a great burden (self-imposed perhaps) that I carry with me everyday; every moment I struggle to force thoughts of negativity out of my head.. I don’t often succeed.. I’m told that I need to control my thoughts and make myself think good things about myself.. It seems an impossible task most days and the very thought of having to constantly fight away feelings of self hatred makes me exhausted.. I can’t hardly function, I can’t even call this living – I’m existing.. I wish, so much, that I could do better … for myself, for my family … but I find myself failing at every turn.. I am tormented by “demons” of self-doubt and confusion, sheer exhaustion at attempting to live, and by the feeling that I’ll never be more than another concern or another stressor.. I don’t know what to do.. I’m drowning.. I reach out to mental health professionals, but they’re less concerned with quality and more concerned with quantity.. They’re Less observant than necessary and seem to all but ignore the signs that I’m slipping.. I am frightened that it’s happening.. I don’t want to go back there, it’s not pretty.. But I feel hopeless….