So, here’s the deal ..  over the years I’ve come to realizations that change me, change the way I view myself and the world around me..  Recently I’ve voiced a realization that has been working in my mind for years..  Some might view it as depressing, but it is my reality and I accept it fully..

My mental illnesses are very hard to treat; they are resistant to long-term medicinal treatment..  They will work for a while and then will just sort of stop..  But the heavy duty meds are taking a toll on my body, wreaking havoc on all systems..  I’ve lost 60 lbs since last December, but it’s because a change in meds took me off of a few drugs that really packed on the weight..  I’m still very heavy, I know that, but a lot of it had to do with medications I was taking..  Anyways, the point is that it’s only a matter of time before I see more severe effects on my body – kidney and liver problems..  I already have severe memory issues and have had them for years..  Ever since I started taking depakote I’ve had problems remembering things; I’ve even forgotten a lot about my childhood and teenage years and even the years I was taking toxic doses of said med I’ve forgotten a lot about..  (I no longer take depakote)  I’ve realized that it’s only a matter of time before things really start to go south..  And I’m as okay with that as a person can be..

This is going to sound so morbid, but I hope that my mom outlives me..  I depend on her for so much that I just can’t do for myself and I’d be so lost without her..  I couldn’t survive without her, literally..  No slight to anyone else, but nobody could take her place..  For a very long time I’ve felt that I would eventually die by suicide, and I still believe that..  It won’t happen any time soon, but it’ll happen someday..  And I’ve known that I’d always be alone – without a partner/ husband..  No matter how much I might want that in my life, it’s just not going to happen..  I’ve accepted that and I’m trying to move on from it..

And I don’t want to end with a sad or depressed mood; I’m trying to rebuild my relationship with God and I’m trying to just forget about my physical pain, my mental anguish, and find a little bit of happiness in the moments with my family and the few friends I have..  I know life here in this realm is limited..  I trust and believe that a better existence awaits me on the other side, so until that moment when I just can’t take any more or the moment when I no longer fear death, I’m trying to make the best of my life and enjoy what I can..

Thank God for family, I’d be so much worse off without them..  I love you dearly and I’m sorry you have to put up with me and my sicknesses..  Your love and support means so much to me..  please don’t ever give up on me..

Helllllooo!!

So, today I’m feeling about as confident as I ever feel, which isn’t saying much..  Believe me, you don’t wanna know the self-deprecating thoughts that go through this head of mine..  As the saying goes, you’re your own harshest critic – definitely true of me..  I’ve “verbally” abused myself since I can remember being self-aware..  May be a ridiculous thought, that I could verbally abuse myself somehow, but it’s true..  Every day, almost every second of every day, abusive thoughts about myself flow through my head..  “Oh, you’re so stupid,” “you’re disgusting and nobody will ever learn to love you,” “you’re crazy, you’re jaded, and you’re damaged goods..”  There’s a lyric to the song I’m listening to now that just stuck out to me – “I wanna believe there’s beauty here.”

 

I’m always so physically drained dealing with the numerous medical ailments that plague me – IBS, fibromyalgia, diagnosed back issues, migraines, asthma, allergies, and other “minor” issues..  My body is exhausted and that contributes to making my mind exhausted..  Some days I just don’t have the strength or will to get out of bed..

 

I put pressure on myself to strive to live up to what I think others expect out of me..  I’m always so concerned with how my actions affect others that my own well-being is put second, always..  I’m not condoning selfishness, at all, but there comes a time when you have to put yourself first and just take care of yourself, not worrying about how it might affect other people..  I’m always so afraid that I’ll bother people or will be inconveniencing them somehow..  I have no self-confidence or self-esteem..  I question my own value to others..  If I mean so little to myself then how can I expect anyone else to give a shit about me?  Why should they?  I’m projecting the thought that there are no redeeming qualities to me and I have no redeeming value whatsoever..  How could I expect to attract someone with that bitter “nectar”?

 

I need to learn to value and love myself; I need to accept myself, warts and all..  I feel like I fail at so much, I fail those that do care about me..  Why can’t I see my own worth?  By not loving and accepting myself I’m disgracing my parents..  They should be as ashamed as I am..  Sometimes I like to believe I’m strong..  If I were really strong I’d persevere, I’d get out of bed every morning, I’d feel confident in my own skin, I’d value myself, I’d be able to endure the constant bodily pains without pissing and moaning about them..  If I were truly strong I’d never doubt myself, I’d stop apologizing when I don’t need to, I’d be able to see the way to make some good come out of every situation, I’d be capable of opening up and being truly vulnerable in front of people without fear of rejection..

 

I feel rash and irresponsible, rushing into making decisions (however small they might be), and I feel naive – so naive..  I fear I’ll never do anything or be anyone..  I’ve dreamt of and hoped for so much – how stupid..  Just when I begin to hope for more, I’m always brought down a peg by the reality of life..  And how far from what I’d once dreamed my life would be has it turned out to be!  Things I once thought I couldn’t live without I’ve grown to resent..

 

I’ve had to make some hard decisions in my life, ones I don’t regret, but I sometimes wish my life had turned out differently..  Some people believe everything happens for a reason..  How foolish that is!  Life is random; and life is what you make it, so they say..  I guess I just haven’t made much of my life..

 

My heart is heavy and my soul is troubled, my mind full of too many thoughts to compute all at once..  It feels good to unload, even if no one listens..  I know I can’t hope for any sort of acceptance or companionship until I truly learn to love myself and to see what others say they see in me..  It feels ridiculous to me to hope for some purpose in life; hope is for children..  And I’m not a child..

 

 

So here it is, what’s “wrong” with me :
Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks, and Borderline Personality Disorder..

Living with these diagnoses is beyond difficult and, honestly, more than once I’ve felt like just giving up the fight.. Only with much love, guidance, and encouragement I am able to persevere..

Here are just some of the symptoms or ways that these illnesses present themselves :
Extreme (and sometimes rapid) mood swings; being overly sensitive to people’s words and actions; restlessness and pronounced insomnia; periods of deep, sometimes suicidal depression; hopelessness; misplaced guilt and low self-esteem; memory loss and brain fog; even hearing voices..

I have been receiving psychiatric care for years and have even been hospitalized, I’ve had years of counseling and therapy – all in hopes of “getting better”.. Years of misdiagnoses and treatment for the wrong illnesses, along with being heavily over-medicated have taken their toll on me mentally and physically.. I had taken toxic levels of medications for long periods of time, trusting the Drs knew what they were doing; instead, I was just continually being prescribed higher doses and instructed to add yet another medication.. The already too long list of meds was constantly being changed around completely, not following common sense protocol of allowing me time to adjust to meds or only changing one at a time so as to properly document changes taking place.. And the quality of therapy I was receiving was ludicrous; I often went just to be able to vent and talk out my emotions more so than I was actually getting any real help.. The facility I was receiving care from was constantly switching psychiatrists, constantly; and I saw three separate therapists, not counting the intern they tried to get me to see (the one who knew less about counseling than I did!).. Needless to say, I’ve been mistreated by doctors more than anyone should, but I didn’t know any better at the time.. You can trust the advice of your Dr, right? Plus, being on disability, there were only so many places I could go that took Medicaid, so I was severely limited on options anyways, I didn’t have much choice in where to go for psychiatric help..

I’m getting much better psychiatric treatment than I have ever gotten and I am doing so much better! But it’s also true that I’ve lost all interest in things I used to enjoy with fervor and I have failed to find the strength, or hope, to have a passion in or for anything anymore.. I struggle with feeling like so much of my life is a pathetic excuse for existence, because I find it hard to have deep, emotional connection with people.. I’m a misunderstood individual who, daily, has to muster up the strength to get out of bed and face the world.. People just don’t get me, so I’m afraid to make myself at all vulnerable.. I have many flaws, and while I understand that that fact doesn’t make me unique, I fear it makes me unrelatable.. I seek outside approval all the time and I’m sick of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m not worth anything.. I’m sick of feeling like I need to hide my true self because I won’t be accepted.. I’m loved, I know this.. I desire understanding above all; acceptance, second..

I’m putting myself out there in hopes of helping you to “get” me; I want you to know me, to see me.. I’m weird, quirky, kind, smart (sometimes anyways!), and understanding… and many more things; I’d love for you to know them all! I appreciate the support I get from you guys and I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.. I love you and I hope you know that..

So, I’ll start off by saying I’m unrealistic in my hopes and expectations..  I continually have these grand thoughts of things I want to do that I think will improve my life..  Then reality takes hold and cruelly slaps me in the face, reminding me of how stupid my hopes are..  I often think of my future, having no hope of anything good happening to me or to my life..  I’ve amounted to nothing, I’ve done nothing, and I have nothing to show for the years since I’ve graduated high school..  I’m the only member of my family to not graduate college with a degree..  Beyond that, I’m the only member of my family to not even attend college..  How pathetic is that!  It’s for the best anyways; I’d flunk out within the first semester..  I’ve got no natural talent to focus on and try to improve..

 

But that’s all beside the point..  I was talking more in the finding a life partner aspect of life..  I’m 33 – never dated, never had sex, never even been kissed!!  How unbelievably pathetic..  I’m not saying I wanna be someone who’s been around the block a few times, but I’d like to have experienced a kiss before..  Now that I think about it, I’ve never even held hands with anyone!!  Now that is lame..  I’ve never been around guys..  I’ve never talked to guys..  I’ve tried dating websites, but I even fail at those!  How does that happen?!  I could try talking to a matchmaker service, but they’d never agree to try to match me with anyone..  I have no job, no education, no redeeming qualities..  I’d be that one person they’d never be able to find a match for..

 

On a separate note: my body is rebelling against me… and I’m not doing anything to counteract the damage..  I’m sure I’m actually contributing to it..  I feel like I’m dying and I’ve no hope for a better future..  I have no hope that my life will improve beyond what it is right now..  It’s as good as it gets and I’m on my way out..  If the fear of death can’t motivate me to try to get better then I don’t know what the hell can..

 

It’s better this way anyways..  I often feel out of place or even unwanted..  I feel like my presence would complicate things and so it’s better for me to just be alone..  That way I’m not in anyone’s way and I don’t make things more difficult than necessary..  Sometimes people are put out with me or with having to deal with me and having to add me to the equation..  I’d rather just remove myself than to put someone out..

 

That’s a big part of why I know I’ll never find a partner or get married – I’d be too much of a responsibility and burden..

I’m so stupid; having hope for a deep, personal love – the kind where you can do and say anything, share everything, and still be accepted..  That kind of love doesn’t exist, not for me..  If I can’t fully love and accept myself, then how can I expect anyone else to be able to?  It doesn’t matter..  Either way, I’m not worthy of love and I know and understand I’ll never experience it..

 

If anyone even reads this, which I doubt they will, the ones to object to my “rantings” will be my parents – those who have a sort of obligation to love their children and to try and encourage them..  That’s not to say that I don’t have an awesome family, because I do..  They’re the best anyone could ask for, but with someone like me that they have to care for, makes life tough, I’m sure..

So, I’ll end by saying this: I need something in my life to hope for, something tangible and not just me being delusional..  To feel something other than sadness and guilt would be so freeing..  But again, I expect nothing..

Sometimes you don’t!

That slogan for almond joy and mounds candy could pretty much sum up my life..  Sometimes I feel somewhat normal and other times I feel so completely whacked out and crazy..  In either frame of mind, it’s virtually impossible for people to relate to me..  Yeah, yeah – everyone has their own individual experiences in life and no two people experience life the same way..  Yes, but people are always relating and connecting to one another because their experiences are so similar that they’re practically the same..  Not so for me..

Because it’s difficult to relate, I find myself withdrawing..  At the risk of sounding dumb,  I can identify with and understand the troubles of two fictional characters – the beast (Adam?) (from beauty and the beast) and Erik (from the phantom of the opera)..  They both are misunderstood, they both feel no hope of being loved, they both feel unworthy of love..  They are also societal outcasts, being shunned for being different..  I feel their despair, their hopelessness, their anguish..  I feel their longing..  Some days I feel that tugging, thoughts of self-doubt, that won’t relent..  I know I’m loved by some; not many, but some..  And that should keep those dark thoughts at bay, but they don’t..  I feel, so intensely, like there is something missing or that there’s something more I could have in life..  I used to daydream all the time about marrying someone, loving someone..  I realize now how foolish and naive that was..  I know now that I’ll never marry, I’ll never “find love”..  And it’s not for lack of trying!  I’m just not one who’s meant to be with someone..  I don’t necessarily believe in predestiny, but I just know that I won’t ever be with anyone..  Besides, at this point in my life, could I really adjust to being with someone anyways?  I’ve got my way of doing things, I’ve got a normal routine..  I wouldn’t be right for a relationship like that..

Sometimes, feeling as intensely as I do, I get consumed by emotions..  I get overwhelmed by feelings of wretchedness and despair; I can’t find my way out of them..  It’s a very heavy feeling, knowing that I’m sinking, waiting for that hand to reach out..  I feel guilty, thinking I shouldn’t feel this way..  But I can’t pull myself out..  I feel like I’m betraying those few who care about; that, by not being joyful and happy, that I’m somehow doing them wrong..  They shouldn’t have to worry about me and my wellbeing..  They shouldn’t have to wonder how deep down my mood goes..  They shouldn’t have to concern themselves with me at all..  But, they do..  And that makes me feel guilty, on top of everything else..  Like I shouldn’t be the way I am..  I feel as though I’m unacceptable, in every aspect of my being..  I’m a disgrace and embarrassment because I’m not “normal”..  All requirements I place upon myself..  But I feel that way nonetheless..

I feel like I’m not good enough..  They deserve better…

Sometimes my thoughts are bouncing around in my head, faster than I can even think straight; jumbled little bits of barely coherent notions being strung together through the fog, I have trouble differentiating my impact vs my influence.. Do I negatively impact those around me, burdening them with my needs and requests and darkness? Or do I influence them, making them feel joy and happiness and light? Causing pain or discomfort or making someone feel anything but peace drives me to keep quiet, pushing all of my problems down further, stamping them into the ground..  I tiptoe around people, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time,  because I fear hurting them..  I crave their acceptance more than I should, sensitive to any little inflection, any tone, or any indication that I’ve upset them..  I understand that I need to be more myself and “let loose” a little, but I’m so afraid of rejection that I sacrifice making myself feel comfortable and calm just to avoid confrontation..  I’m never my top priority..  I don’t feel worthy of being anyone’s concern, main or otherwise..  I feel unworthy of people’s time and energy..  I need to work on understanding that those around me choose to do so, even family, who could kick me to the curb at any time, and tell me to deal with my life alone..  I neglect my needs (and wants) for what I feel is “the greater good”..  But that’s not working out so well….

I sometimes feel like people will hear me saying how much worse off I am mentally/ psychologically than they are..  I don’t feel like I over-compare myself, but in life there’s always some extent of comparison..  With that said, I have recently been doing very poorly..  I’ve been to the psychologist twice in a week and a half..  He changed my meds both times, so now I’m on 6 separate medications for my mental illnesses..  I take that back, I’m on 7..  Holy shit, that’s a lot..  🙁  And that’s in addition to all the other meds I take for various other illnesses..  I feel like my body is rebelling against me..  I’d be happy to be taking zero medications..  But that hasn’t been my reality for a very long time..  Random thought : it was nice, though very awkward, that the psychiatrist gave me a side hug as I left the appt..  He genuinely seemed at least a little concerned..  And that was nice, I never feel like any of my drs care..  Not that they’re neglectful in any way, but that I’m just a patient to them..  I don’t know, I was probably just reading into it..  I tend to misread people sometimes..

I still, by choice, don’t really talk to anyone. .  I’m trying to make more appts to see the counselor at advantage, but it’s so hard to get in, she’s always booked so far out..  Ah, well..  I suppose I’ll survive, though this depression is pretty bad right now..  And I’m so freaking drowsy!  Just about any time I sit down I have trouble..  My eyes can’t stay open and my head lolls to the side..  I end up in almost a half awake/ half asleep state..  I’m hoping that I’ll get used to my meds soon..

---

I’ve begun pushing people away..  I hadn’t realized that until now..  Because I have convinced myself that they all have better things to do than care about me..  I’ve insulted people by admitting I feel close to no one..  They all have someone that they’re closer to than they are to me..   And that’s no surprise, they’ve all got others that take priority over me and that’s as it should be..  But I’ve put myself in this position, I’ve kept away from people purposefully..  I’ve isolated myself from the world because of being stigmatized..  I feel like I’m too odd of a person to really fit in anywhere..  I say things that people don’t understand, having a train of thought veer off down another path from everyone else’s..  I know, woe is me!  It’s not about a pity party..  I guess I’m just making more inadequate attempts at trying to explain myself to those around me..  Maybe the issue isn’t seeking acceptance from those outside of myself..  Perhaps I need to fully accept and love myself..  I’m not sure it would make much of a difference though..  I realize I hold myself up to a different standard than everyone else..  If I don’t do things perfectly or that one “right” way, then I’ve totally screwed up and have ruined whatever I was attempting..  And therapy isn’t helping..  I reached a plateau long ago and can’t seem to improve..  Though it is free counseling, she can’t be any older  than me, so I shouldn’t expect much..  Bottom line : I’m not sure how much help there is for me..  There are only so many meds they’ll give me..  There’s only so much to talk about..  I can only push myself so far in this fight against my mental illness..

So, I piss and moan and bitch and complain about not having anyone to talk to, how there’s no one to commiserate with… But I keep myself closed off, knowing that everyone has enough on their plates that they have to deal with, they don’t need me dumping my problems on them, too..  Maybe I made it this way, maybe it’s just circumstances, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to connect with in a deeply profound way..  They all have other relationships that trump mine, which is how life goes..  I’m not suggesting I should be anyone’s number one..  I used to think I couldn’t assert myself and couldn’t push for some attention and care, but I realize that’s not true..  I’m always nagging people, demanding time be spent thinking of me..  I spend so much time in introspection that I fail to be compassionate towards other people or to spend time tending to their needs instead of thinking of my own..  I’m mopey and ridiculous and laughable..  My problems are just so stupid when said out loud..  I’m like a child in the things that bother me – a psychotic child..  I’m sure people would laugh at me and think my issues are messed up and that the things I see as problems are very juvenile..  It’s all about perspective..  What I deem disturbing is ludicrous to someone else..  I’m not even trivializing my problems; you can’t reduce down what’s already miniscule to begin with…

… feel as though you try to hide or squash a part of yourself that might make others feel appalled and/ or put off of you?  Facing things that, if others knew, would make them seriously question your sanity..  I’m a very misunderstood individual as it is; I don’t need anything further to separate me from the normalcy of society..  I’ve always felt like I wore my heart on my sleeve, but with that said, I hide so much of myself..  There’s no one, not even family, that I feel I can be 100% myself around all the time..  I am always keeping my mouth shut when I have the desire to speak my mind, reveal my feelings and emotions; I have no one that I can text any time of the day or night, pouring my heart out, ranting, or even just being stupid..  I’m already too much of an inconvenience to people, I can’t bother them..  I’m too much of a burden on those around me; I’m not even worth their time and effort, so how could I justify asking for their attention?  It would be unfair to them, they have better things to do with their time than tend to me..  I just hope (I can’t believe I’m saying that word!) that someday I come to a place where I’m not as much of a pest to people and am able to actually contribute something worthwhile to the world, as opposed to just taking up space and wasting people’s time..  And I hesitate to even say anything here because I know it hurts people… There was going to be a “but” to that, but I can’t really think of anything to refute that statement..  I just wish my words didn’t hurt people, but I know they do, so for that I’m truly sorry..  I’d like to say I have hope that I’ll get better, that someday I won’t require people’s time, so that I’m not making such a negative impact on the world, but I can’t make any such guarantee..  As long as I’m alive, I’ll always be someone’s responsibility, someone’s inconvenience….